Category: Personal

so …

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

So I have been feeling super crap. A depressive episode, on top of a lot of change and a surprise meeting, has made life almost unbearable. I spoke with my counsellor yesterday, and that has most certainly helped. (Not least because he offered spiritual advice.) Honestly, I had enough yesterday morning and was ready to pack my bags.

Life is never rosy for me, nor do I expect it to be. I have made huge mistakes in my life. I have hurt, and continue to hurt, people that I love. People are not a “means to an end” – even my own mental health. I am a sinner. Everything in my life reminds me that I cannot do it without Jesus.

I cannot expect other people to change to suit me. I must change. Jesus is present in the moment not to judge but to be chosen. Every moment, “Do you turn to Christ?”.

What is happiness? Any day in which I make it to the end. Solitude comes with great risks, above all, the risk of self-indulgence. Perhaps I am simply selfish and not depressed—someone did once say that to me. Yet, I also recognise that the desert is a place of battle. I have an icon of St John the Baptist that reminds me of the cost.

So what now? Wait! Grrrrr?!?!?! Not easy. Wait for Jesus. And hand it all to him. Be present to Jesus in the now and not the possible future – or the painful past. Allow my pain to connect me to Jesus on the cross. Pray!

Anyway …

online food shopping

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What could you try for the first time?

I could try online grocery shopping—and I did yesterday! So, I do not need to leave The Anchorage (enclosure) at all this week. I have used an online store for books, but this is my first food order.

This week, I am aiming for solitude and silence—a new year, a new start. Perhaps that is what I am really trying for the first time: be a recluse without excuses.

two years

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

Today is my second anniversary in The Anchorage. Much has changed, and much has stayed the same. I thought that the opening song from Spongebob Squarepants is an appropriate thing to share today.

I have no deep insights or epiphanies. My life has evolved (as it should), and I have become clearer about where I am going. I cried for the first time here last week.

An oddball is a person who refuses to accept abstract norms as universal. And I guess I am an oddball. To be honest, that often really hurts. It is nice to be understood by someone and to offer your heart to someone. The life lesson of the last two years is “set your eyes on Jesus.” I have questions that return. And I have no answers. But answers are overrated. Perhaps a line from Thomas Merton will sum up:

I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

3 things

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Daily writing prompt
What’s something most people don’t know about you?
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I cannot swim, so I do not like wide open spaces of water.

I cannot fly, so I do not like heights or flying in an aeroplane.

I like speaking in public, even to large crowds. (I rather not speak with individuals – see next.)

I like to be alone to focus on what is important to me.

I cannot count.

being me

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Daily writing prompt
What have you been working on?
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I have worked on a Four-Week Psalter for Morning and Evening Prayer, but that is not very interesting.

I always work on being “me.” But, to be honest, I think I’m losing the battle. I work at being completely transparent with and in God. What that means, I have no idea!

distance and love

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Daily writing prompt
What makes a good neighbor?
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Distance! In a physical sense. Love in a spiritual.

I have no neighbours at the moment. One side is the church, and the other is a car park. There is lots of space!

But how am I a good neighbour to those in my life? I make choices that benefit them (or perhaps for their good). And I do that without asking or looking for anything in return. The starting point is not “the good” (an ideal I created) but the good in the other. I have a duty to love, and that duty is to the person, not to an idea. I try to live that with the people in my life. It is not easy and, at the moment, almost impossible.

moving forward

~ a solitary ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?
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I have reflected on the ” risk ” question in the last week or so. I feel stuck at the moment. Knowing where to go from here is easy; actually, doing it is different. The risk is in the doing, and, to be honest, I am not in an emotional state to take risks.

So I am stuck, down on myself, irritable, and argumentative (it is better to stay in solitude). I am struggling with prayer. All my hope is in the medication I am on, but that has not worked as well as at other times. I am having really strange vivid dreams.

The biggest risk is doing the thing that will unstuck me. But there are no magical solutions and maybe I am simply the problem.

no risk?

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Daily writing prompt
What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.
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Where is the satisfaction if there is no risk (“guaranteed not to fail”)? And where is the motivation if there is no risk?

While there may be many things I would like to attempt, the risk is what makes them meaningful to me.