Category: Personal

called by name

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

I have been thinking a lot about episode 1 of season 1 of The Chosen, “I Have Called You By Name”. I was struck by Mary Magdalene – abandoned by her religion and given up on herself. I really like the scene where she stands at the cliff and looks over the edge. I can really identify with her struggle.

Sometimes, for me, living with depression is like standing on the edge. Not that I want to jump but there is a feeling of being “unloveable”. I have very much felt like I am beyond being loved. I am so broken, so beyond redemption, that no person can ever really love me. They may say that they do but really they are just pretending. And when you have been abandoned by people it is very hard to trust people again.

I remember so many sermons about “anxiety” and “Give it to the Lord” that were really unhelpful. I have been told by a person, in a church, that all anxiety and depression is demon possession. I have often wondered if the person thought I should not attend. Religious people, with the best of intensions, give advice that is often very unhelpful. There are exceptions – and thank God for those – but there are also many who simply do not understand and do not identify with the struggle and the pain.

I have learned that depression is part of me. There is no “fix”. I have to live with it.

The part of The Chosen that really got to me this time was Jesus. At the end He embraces Mary – the person on whom everyone had given up and who had given up on herself. He calls her by name – an intimate act of love. No one – including me – is ever beyond God’s love. No person is unworthy of Jesus’ love – no person is unworthy of hope.

I am extremely thankful for the hope that so many people of faith have given me. Yet it is not them who give me hope. It is Jesus – His living presence with me now and always. His presence in the darkness – on the edge of the cliff. And it is the intimacy of the relationship that brings that hope. He has called me by name and I can call His name.

I know what is coming in The Chosen, that great line by Mary. But this week I am thinking about how a person who was a nobody is a somebody in Jesus. How I am loved!!!

Existentialism explained

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

I love The Sopranos. It is just written really well and is just real. So I wanted to share this clip from season 2, D-Girl. Be warned: it includes explicit content!

This video always makes me laugh. The episode also mentions Kierkegaard.

why are you here?

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday, at church, our vicar asked a number of questions during the sermon. And, unlike more traditional one-way sermons, we got to answer. One of the questions was, “why are you here?”.

I have been thinking about that question. And the answers that people gave. Sometimes, I think, we confuse the “sign” with the “object that it is pointing to”. Or, in Thomas Merton’s language, “we look at the finger and miss the moon”. We argue about liturgy and hymns, about buildings. Yet in the end these are not what Christianity is about. Christianity is not a moral code that I must follow to be accepted by God. Experience shows me that there is an unbridgeable gap between God and me. Only in God’s action of love can that gap be bridged. So only in God’s action towards me can I have a relationship with Him.

So, why am I here (at church)? Because of Jesus. And only Jesus. I like the more traditional signs – liturgy, vestments, buildings – but only Jesus saves. Only in Jesus is life. Only in Jesus is hope. All the others have just signs to the reality that God has reached out to me in the man Jesus. I meet and experience Jesus in a particular way in the community that is gather in His name. He speaks to me and meets me personally. But in the end it is all about Him and Him alone.

Anyway …

rituals

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

My Sunday morning ritual includes getting a cup of tea on the way to church. I have switched to herbal tea so mint or peppermint are my favourite.

Today we are watching The Chosen after church. I am looking forward to seeing it again and on the big screen. I pray that it will be bonding experience for the parish – gathered around Jesus!

I pray you have a Jesus filled Sunday!!!

prayer and self-knowledge

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

I have a nice day ahead. I am seeing my counsellor and meeting family.

I am a little anxious about the family meet-up but with prayer and self-knowledge I think it will be very nice. The insights I have gained over the last three month make a major difference in my day-to-day life. They give context, background, depth. I have the experience of living through it and coming out the other side.

And I have learned to pray! I have prayed all my life but only recently have I prayed. I have stopped telling God what to do and am simply open to God. I have stopped escaping into form or ritual and have simply used silence and solitude. The moment of silence is worth more than hours of chanted liturgy.

So I face today with prayer and self-knowledge.

streaking

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

WordPress tells me that I am on a 45 day streak in posting. So I am posting to keep this streak going.

In fact that the streak is the only reason is really good news. My life has balance. I have received three items of very good news this week. And I feel like my waiting in love has been very much worth it – that sounds horrible but I hope you understand what I mean.

The self-awareness I have gained over the last three months has been a great blessing to me. I am so thankful for all the people I have met that have supported me – sometimes without even knowing their support has been so central. The people who have prayed! Life will still be rocky and difficult. But I was very unsure whether I would emotionally survive this week.

So my anxiety says, “just wait”. But I now know who is speaking and why my anxiety says the things it says. And, yes, there will be challenges. I will face these when they come but I do not need to spend energy now planning and worrying. I will simply try to live my life of solitude, simplicity, and service. I will simply try to live now with Jesus and for others.

So … 46 day streak!!! Nothing much to report. Praise Jesus!!!

Ascension Day

~ a solitary ~ Leave a comment

Today is the Festival of the Ascension of Our Lord, Ascension Day, or the Solemnity of the Ascension of the Lord. APBA has the following for the gospel reading for Year B:

And [Jesus] said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the good news to the whole creation. The one who believes and is baptized will be saved; but the one who does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: by using my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes in their hands, and if they drink any deadly thing, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.”

So then the Lord Jesus, after he had spoken to them, was taken up into heaven and sat down at the right hand of God. And they went out and proclaimed the good news everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by the signs that accompanied it.

Mark 16:15-20

Theologically the Ascension is difficult. Does Jesus lay aside His humanity at the Ascension or does He take it to the right hand of the Father with Him? I have no answers. But I, for one, think Jesus is still active and present in some form today. And He still works “for me” today.

The Ascension is the first occasion I remember preaching. I think it was for a small devotional group. I remember telling a story – a story which, alas, overpowered. People remembered the story but not the point I was making. So much so that I cannot recall the point but I remember telling the story.

So Blessed Ascension Day to you!!! May you have a Jesus filled day!!!