I write personal things in very general terms. I am a private person by nature and do not feel comfortable sharing too much about myself. The sessions I have had with the counsellor have been eye-opening – to express some of my inner ideas and thoughts and not be rejected or ridiculed. And to express feelings without being censured or censuring myself. All of that has been extremely liberating!

One of the major thoughts that I struggle with is that I have let everyone down. That I am a disappointment for everyone. I have feelings of never being enough for people, always being just a stop-gap until they find someone better. And my recent history has only made that even more real for me.

So I just wanted to say that the next two days are going to be extremely stressful. Maybe the absolute worst of my life?! I am hoping that my anxiety will not rule my mind and I can get through it all. I have done one thing today that needed to be done. I am counting that as a victory. But tomorrow will be a nightmare. Then another one the day after.

I am listening to some music I like and I am going to pray. I know God is in control and this is working for my good – it is God’s love that is at work in me. I know I am not alone, surrounded not just by a cloud of witnesses but by faithful friends who always point me to Jesus. But from the inside it looks like a nightmare that is sent to punish me.

So, if you are so inclined, could you pray for me?!

And Jesus said to them, “Therefore every scribe who has been trained for the kingdom of heaven is like the master of a household who brings out of his treasure what is new and what is old.”

Matthew 13:52

This morning, on the way to church, I was thinking about the above part of Matthew’s gospel. In particular, I was thinking of how the church, as a community of individual believers, is always called to proclaim Jesus in new and fresh ways. But the core is always the same.

The text is also a warning: the old or the new can become idols. It is a call to return to the core of proclamation.

Anyway, I just wanted to share.

I am having a little rest, looking out at the Bay, and reading a book. I have a few things on this afternoon but I thought I would go early and spend some time alone.

I have been thinking that two concepts I do not really grasp are irony and paradox. So I thought I would share the following quote:

The more common type of irony, he says, is irony in which something that is a jest is said as if it were meant seriously. The rarer type of irony, the type he himself exemplifies, is when an author says something serious but does so in the form of a jest.

C. Stephen Evans. Kierkegaard on Faith and the Self: Collected Essays (Provost) 207-208.

I think the important thing, for me, in the above is that irony is about ideas or speech. And paradox, therefore, is about existence. I think the two can overlap and sometimes something is said to be ironic when in fact it is paradoxical, in the Kierkegaardian way of seeing things. But both confront us with the absurdity of life or of a particular idea.

I think it is all related to communication. And, for me, it is related to the paradox of the incarnation – how I am called to proclaim a Person who is a paradox.

While most people would think I am “red”, I am “green” but not with random people. I need to trust you!!! (And I never want to invade other people’s personal space.)

You may have guessed, I published a few posts that I have been working on behind the scenes this morning. They are thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. I am glad that in the midst of some very stressful events on the horizons, I have not entered the darkness but rather have been reading and thinking. In the past creative periods have often been followed by extreme darkness. With more insight and thanks to my counsellor, I can handle the darkness better and live with it rather than exhaust myself in fight against it.

So I saw this on Instagram:

I cannot agree more! Ok, that sounds a little egotistical and self-validating but I do not mean it that way. And I would say that the comment stands within the Kierkegaardian tradition!

I like the phrasing, “prioritize shared beliefs over shared relationship”. Jesus first then the community. Or community in our shared relationship with Jesus. I know that I will not find another person who agrees with me in theory on Jesus because my experience of Jesus is individual and personal. And that is the mystery of the incarnation.

Anyway, I pray you have a Jesus filled day!

As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him.

Matthew 4:18-20

I have been thinking about the “mission” of the people of God in a digital age. Since Covid-19 we have communicated in completely new ways. And there is no going back! We can no longer repeat the same methods that worked (or not) in the past. We cannot rely on people seeking out the church. Religion as a whole has lost most of the influence it had in the past. And all of that is actually good news!!

The task of each individual who has a relationship with Jesus is to “follow Him”. It is that simple! And part of that life is to be a “fisher of people”. But the simple fact that my relationship with Jesus is about “following Him” means I am called to reach out to people and proclaim the Kingdom of God, to proclaim the person of Jesus, to other people.

I want to write more about the theology of mission in a digital age. I think there is much to be written about but, more importantly, much to be done. And most of what is to be done is not artificial but the very centre of my relationship with Jesus.

I would be interested in people’s thoughts on mission, especially in what Jesus’ mission consists.