Category: SolitaryLife

now what?

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In what ways do you communicate online?

To be honest, I am a social media “watcher”. I like to see what other people are doing rather than “do” myself. I have Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. But I watch more than I add to the conversation. And, TikTok makes me laugh!

I have this blog. It is more like a journal than any attempt to communicate. The blog itself – the “stuff” behind the scene – serves a purpose in my life rather than the “information” (what does that mean?) that it communicates. BTW: I have changed the URL of the blog!

I am, however, planning a podcast: now what? Once I get over my self-doubt and confusion – should someone claiming to live a solitary life have a podcast? – I hope to record regularly. I have nothing to say but I think that the process itself will be helpful for me.

So there you have it!

being different?

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What could you do differently?

I love these prompts. My answer is always, “everything”. But doing comes from being. Could I be someone different? If I took the mistakes from the past and “fixed them”, would I still be me? Ok, the “me” is not fantastic or even mildly satisfactory.

I remember once speaking to a priest who complained that I was overly sensitive. This came in the midst of a conversation in which the priest lauded various positives. I remember saying to this priest that you cannot have the positives (of me) without the negatives.

SO, there are plenty of things I could do differently. But would I still be me?

liminal space?

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I have been trying to organise some thoughts around the religious life. And I found this quote:

The liminal space is an invitation to surrender – an invitation to give over to something larger than self and trust that we will be held and supported with whatever we need in order to navigate the uncertainty. The degree to which we are comfortable or uncomfortable has to do with how we choose to be with what is happening. We can choose to fight against the liminal space and struggle, or to flow with it by listening, sensing, and responding.

The Liminal Space – Embracing the Mystery and Power of Transition from What Has Been to What Will Be

Maybe the older mystical writers would call it “the cloud of unknowing”? There is a sense in which the religious life, or Christianity as a whole, is a “what if” life. I think the current Archbishop of Canterbury said that?!

everyone

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Who do you envy?

This one is super easy: everyone. People who can relate to other people, who can sing or play music, who can draw, who can talk to people, who are not so weird that people walk away from them, who know how to behave in a situation, who know etiquette, who know how to impart information without dominating, who know how to write or speak in proper sentences, who are not physically awkward and feel comfortable in their own bodies, and I could go on and on and on.

Sometimes (often!) I envy people who have no faith. Life would be a little easier as a heathen. I often envy people who are not dominated by their inside life who can just enjoy themselves. People who do not get stuck on an idea and cannot shake it. People who sleep without dreaming.

Maybe that is why green is my favourite colour at the moment.

Sorry that all sounds a little like a reverse slap on the back to myself. “Sorry I am not more intelligent/holy but I know I am much more intelligent/holy than you”.

more of less?

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What could you do less of?

I think the answer is pretty simple for me – feeling sad. It is still a regular part of my life. Not a part I rejoice in or celebrate. But it is part of me. To be honest, it helps when I have a solid plan for each day. Maybe what I could do less of is define myself by other people and what they expect of me? Or, maybe, I could stop feeling things so deeply?

Yes, I take medication. But the medication is not the answer – it only stops it from bubbling to the surface where it becomes uncontrollable. I have a general feeling of uselessness and being a “third wheel”. I no longer think about ending it. That is a positive!

I cannot change others, I can only change myself. So this is my problem and not someone else’s. I can try to escape into the arms of other people and hope they can fix it. But I have tried that and it was a disaster. I keep saying that everything will become clear but to be honest, I no longer believe that.

Sorry that is a little bit of a downer first thing. It is a positive that I know what my negative is?!

The Anchorage

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What big events have taken place in your life over the past year?

I moved into The Anchorage. There are plenty of other things but that is the one I chose to remember. The last two years have been a rollercoaster ride of emotion and self-discovery. It has been far from pleasant or edifying. I often wonder if I can keep going even now.

I am testing my vocation to the solitary life within a parish context. In the past, I may have been called an anchorite – in the English sense rather than the Orthodox. I pray, meditate, and read. I also have a few things I do within the parish related to my life as a solitary. I am often amazed at how ordinary my life is really. But I am only testing my vocation! For the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about the traditional monastic orders and wondering if I might be called to community. That is for another day!

So the major event is my move to The Anchorage. I dearly love this place. I have a house guest – Fred, the rabbit. But otherwise, I am alone. I have been trying to work on my mental health and my relationships.

wild animals

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Do you ever see wild animals?

Another prompt! Do I see wild animals?

Well, I see birds in my front yard – they make a lot of noise, especially in the spring. The birds remind me of St Anthony and his time in the cave. When he wanted to fast, the birds brought him bread to eat. Silence is not an absence of noise.

I also have a rabbit, Fred, who is not really wild but who keeps me company. He has become very comfortable in The Anchorage. He likes to run and jump – as rabbits do.

But I see and hear people who come home from various night spots every weekend. Are they wild animals? Not really – just people living a life different to mine. Sometimes they make a lot of noise. But often they sing or talk while they walk back to their cars.

escape

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I like to escape. I want to run into other people’s definitions of me. Maybe I just have no idea who I am? Perhaps I am afraid of who I am? If I can wear a uniform I am happy. When I can fall into a role I can actually do I feel a sense of security. What when all of that is no longer available? Find a role? Create a role?

I have a comfortable rhythm to life at the moment. But I can hear the voice that questions everything. And the idea that I need to complicate things to make them real. Or, maybe, to make me real?

I have been thinking about my “religious past”. I feel drawn to a more “catholic form of Anglicanism”. Yes, I go to Mass and I like the formal terminology for clergy. I cross myself and I like kneeling. I like crucifixes. Is all of that an escape? Or is there something very personal about it all that touches me on a fundamental level?

Sorry for all the questions this morning. Anyway, a slow start to the day!

Back

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So I am back online. And I am no longer positive for Covid-19 and starting to return to my awkward self.

I have decided to start walking again – for exercise. Today I walked to the shops to buy chocolate! The irony!!!!

Emotionally I think I am improving. Being sick really did not suit me. But I think it gave me space to look at things. There is no need to be too legalistic about things: I am not recreating a medieval form of life but trying to borrow some of the insights for a modern age. And I do actually enjoy the life.

I have been praying the 15 oes in the afternoon. Very English! Also very personal.

I am reading Going to Church in Medieval England – so far all money and sex. I did read The Stripping of the Altars: Traditional Religion in England, 1400-1580 and Marking the Hours – English People and their Prayers 1240–1570 both by Eamon Duffy. The second is a beautiful book full of illustrations. For me, the point is that what I assume is not always true when it is related to these topics. People did not pray in the past like people pray today.

Anyway …