I don’t remember what I thought a year ago, but I think the answer is “no.” There have been many changes this year, some easier and some unexpected. If there was perfect future vision, what would life be like?
The reality is that I live now. I feel stable and balanced. Yes, I could be doing better, but I could also be doing a lot worse.
Everything! I have never liked “me”. I would not say I hate me, but I do not like me. If I were to meet me, I would most likely think I am aloof, prickly, and just plain weird. I am also socially and physically awkward, like to rant about completely random stuff, and am a poor dresser. I should say that I am working on it, but that would be a lie.
I am most definitely a morning person. I like to get up early, before sunrise, and enjoy the silence and solitude. I do all meaningful writing, thinking, and praying in the morning. It is also cooler in the morning, which I prefer. If I interact with people, it has to be in the morning. Medical appointments and shopping are for the morning.
I am no good after 3 p.m. My mind simply stops working. I like to relax by reading novels or listening to audiobooks. Sometimes I watch a little TV. No people after 3 p.m.! In fact, I use the “screen time” on my phone to limit access after that time. And I go to bed early – with the sunset in winter and a little before in the summer.
My absolute favourite thing to wear is my scapular. It reminds me that I carry Jesus everywhere I go, and perhaps much more importantly, it reminds me that Jesus is with me always. It is not an Anglican thing to do and often confuses people, but it is meaningful to me. I also like to wear “suspenders.” Since I have no hips, they keep my pants from falling down. See picture!!!
Have you ever wondered what we did when we only had “landlines”? How did we survive? And before that, when people communicated by hand-written letter? And, guess what, we survived.
So, what technology would I be better off without? My “smartphone”! It serves no purpose. I do not receive calls, texts, DMs, or iMessages from anyone. Yet, somehow, I feel I should carry it everywhere with me. And check! Check if someone has emailed. I listen to music, but I could do that a different way. I spend way too much time looking for it or worrying about it.
If you didn’t need sleep, what would you do with all the extra time?
To be honest, I would probably sleep! I love sleeping and try to do it as often as I can during the day. And as long as I can during the night. Personally I think there is nothing better.
So, I am going to be honest and give my actual pet peeves:
Perhaps I have had many hard decisions to make? Not all are worth sharing, and some are very private. Also, most are painful and triggering.
But the clearest insight, and the hardest decision, is that I control who has access to me. No one has a right to me as a person or an individual. Yes, I have a duty to others, which is ultimately a duty to God, but that duty (to other people) is not my relationship with God – it is my duty to my neighbour. The call is to follow Jesus.
While the above is not a huge problem, no one has contacted me with demands for access. Yet, I feel I should be available to people more out of self-serving motives.
As I have written before, the thing that I pray for (solitary life) is also the thing I fear the most. The decision to control access, to deny access for some, is emotionally difficult and is the hardest decision I have had to make.
I was thinking this morning that I am in a little slump regarding people. I’m not sure who to trust at the moment.
So, Jesus! Perhaps that is a little strange, odd, or weird?! I am not a very good follower. And my sin is ever before me. But I try – I desire to follow Jesus. Resting in Him is my favourite past time.
Sorry is that like superweird and uber-religious?
From those choices, mountains. I live on the beach. In fact, I can see the “bay” from my porch. But during my time here, I think I have been to the beach once. So maybe the mountains are more my thing?!
Why the mountains? Because they are not the beach? Or, it would be a change for me. Hermits often live in the mountains.
Perhaps a third option is the desert. Yes, it can be hot and very cold, but the isolation! And no one would visit. Is it NBN ready?
this solitary life 