Author: a fool

All alone with Jesus

Surrendering to Jesus

A lovely person emailed me this video today. I have been thinking of Ignatius’ Surrender Prayer recently. I have been trying to consecrate the day to Jesus before I get up – a sort of spiritual wake-up call. And I have been wondering whether I should use my own words or something like the prayer above. I am not against either option – I am formed in a liturgical form of Anglicanism and that is my natural home, and I have no problems with using tears to pray.

The video is a little on the long side but it is worth watching. Even only for the first 6 minutes or so.

Maybe you have a Jesus filled day!!!

the eunuch

Then Philip began to speak, and starting with this scripture, he proclaimed to him the good news about Jesus.

Acts 8:35

Today one of the readings was from the Book of Acts, as is traditional after Easter, Philip and the Ethiopian Eunuch (Acts 8:26-40). I was struck by how this particular person was chosen by God to hear the gospel proclaimed to him. I was especially struck by how this person, a eunuch with all that includes (or not!), is everything the modern church tries to avoid at all costs. I often wonder if some within the modern church are so concerned with issues related to sex (and the choice of partners) because they are not having any?! (A rare joke!) But more importantly the eunuch is a sign of how God does not want my perfection but my heart.

There is a difference between what a Christian life looks like (morality and service) and who a Christian is (or is becoming). The eunuch, to me, shows us what it means to “abide in Jesus” (as the gospel for today would put it). And, to put a Kierkegaard spin on it, the eunuch is a “single individual”:

The paradox of faith then is this, that the single individual is higher than the universal, that the single individual, to recall a now rather rare theological distinction, determines his relation to the universal by his relation to the absolute, not his relation to the absolute by his relation to the universal.

Fear and Trembling (Cambridge Texts in the History of Philosophy), 61

So my insight for today: proclaim the gospel to all! Do not judge anyone on the choices that they make! It is about Jesus and not my perfection – it is about my heart.

things on the improve

I have had a sleep in. The first in many months. Youth last night was great – magnificent kids, good food, and some very inspiring discussion around the theme of God’s Kingdom. I got to tell a Kierkegaard inspired story about the incarnation – the king and the servant!

I feel life is improving. The help I have received, and continue to receive, from people of faith has been so inspiring. The example of what it means to follow Jesus is the most helpful – to model for me what it means to live for Jesus alone. I have had opportunity to use my gifts within the faith community and that has been extremely helpful and healing for me.

I see when I cycle downward and I have learned to pull myself through it. I have learned to “let it pass through me” as my counsellor would say. I have learned to cry and to talk about my feelings on a completely different level. I am a very different person to who I was three months ago.

Of course, my anxiety is saying, “just wait!”. But I feel that even with the problems that life will throw at me, I have learned to be more “me” and less the depression. I will never be an outgoing, easy person – I am reserved, quiet, and somewhat intense. I have learned to be alone without being lonely, and to be with people without being lonely. I am finally happy to be me and not looking to be someone else.

So I pray you have a Jesus filled day! A day full of love.

podcast?

Yes, it is still alive even with my best effort to self-destroy. Sometimes I get a rush of creativity. So I am thinking of changing the cover to this – any thoughts? I have created a poll to make it easier for you:

Experiencing Jesus

To be grateful is to recognize the Love of God in everything He has given us—and He has given us everything. Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is a grace, for it brings with it immense graces from Him. Gratitude therefore takes nothing for granted, is never unresponsive, is constantly awakening to new wonder and to praise of the goodness of God. For the grateful [person] knows that God is good, not by hearsay but by experience. And that is what makes all the difference.

Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude (20 in my edition)

“Not by hearsay but by experience”. Yes, that does make all the difference. I feel that is something I would like to be able to say. To experience Jesus is the aim of it all. To really know Him above all.

All of that reminds me of a Kierkegaard quote which I think I have already used:

I do not dare to call myself a Christian; but I want honesty, and to that end I will venture.

“What do I want?”, The Moment

To be honest, like Kierkegaard, I dare not call myself a Christian – my life does not reflect Him nor does my thinking. My life does not conform to the Pattern – my life does not follow Jesus. I try! I try by doing Christian things and choosing Him when I have the choice. I try by allowing myself to be swept along by His Love. I try by living with hope that in God all things are possible.

just a picture of Søren

I am helping with our youth group tonight. As with all things, I feel rather under-qualified for the task and more than a little out of my depth. I am hoping to be a wall-flower and just stand in the corner.

I was thinking about what God asks me to do when I feel I am rather useless. God has more confidence in me than I do. And often, I think, it is more about leaping into the river and just allowing God to carry me along.

There is always an element of risk in ever relationship. I like certainty but I know that is an escape from the risk. There is risk in relationship with people, revealing myself, and there is risk in my relationship with Jesus, Him revealing who I am.

There is risk because tomorrow is a mystery. So in that mystery I am called to live my relationships. I am called to be “me”.

So maybe a Kierkegaard quote:

God is present in the moment of choice, not in order to watch but in order to be chosen. Therefore, each person must choose. Terrible is the battle, in a person’s innermost being, between God and the world. The crowning risk involved lies in the possession of choice.

I pray you have a Jesus filled day!

… and …

I wanted to add something to the previous post – life is not always as bad as my anxiety makes me think!!!! Sometimes my anxiety and depression lie to me about life.

Thank you to the people who prayed – I do very much appreciate it.

Today has ended up not as bad as I had imagined. Things are moving in the right direction and I am going to get the help I need. Sometimes the system does work! More than ever I am thankful for the people in my life who support me and who have journey with me through it all. The people who write little messages of support, pray for me, and those who give me advice and provide wisdom. I am really not alone in this all. And God is always good, loving, merciful, and compassionate.

fragile

I have a number of important things to do today. I am very anxious about it all and it has been on my mind for many days. If you are so inclined, would you please pray for me?!

This morning I was trying to think of a word that describes me at the moment. I came up with fragile. I feel like I am about to break with any small bump. Everything is finely balanced and I am ok with going on but a small thing could make everything come crashing down.

So today I am praying that I can get to the end of the day without too much pain. I am ok at the moment but know today will be stressful.

I pray you have a Jesus filled day!