Living with depression

love?

Today’s sermon text was 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. I think the Vicar did a good job in trying to get her point across. It is one of those texts in which assumptions push their way into interpretation.

On the way home I was reflecting on the sermon. And I was struck by a pretty simple point: has love been a positive experience for me? In the sense of a human relationship that is truly human, has love been something that has shown God to me? The assumption when people speak about love – no matter how they may define it – is that it is a positive experience. The assumption is that being in love, being loved, is an experience that a human being would find fulfilling. I have felt love for other people but, on reflection, has it been love or infatuation? I have been, to quote a really poor song from the 80’s, “in love with love”?

I think I need to learn to love. I am not sure I have ever really known love in the sense of 1 Corinthians. Intellectually I understand that the love St Paul is speaking about is embodied in Jesus. And to Him I look! But in the sense of a human relationship, the paradox of being loved, I am not sure I have ever really experienced love.

Sorry if that is a bit of a downer. I know I will see things differently tomorrow – I always see things differently tomorrow.

feelings

So here is an insight to me – I feel things very deeply but I rarely tell people how I feel. I think I have been conditioned to act that way but also I am not comfortable or confident enough to express myself. Interestingly, with word confident comes from two Latin words, “with” and “faith”. In the end, I do not have enough faith in myself – in the mystery and paradox that is “me” – to freely express my feelings to others.

I think that is also true about religion. I have tried to explain it rather than feeling it. Or rather, I have believed in something rather than someone. Maybe I am conditioned by a culture that elevates the intellectual over the emotional? Maybe I am too self-involved to see past my own nose? All the rational arguments for the spiritual does not make it a religion.

I was thinking today that the religion I have tried to enact and live is a pseudoscience of the metaphysical. Maybe a Hegelian version of the spiritual? Nothing is real but the rational and since God is real He must be rational. But that takes away the paradox and with it faith.

This morning, as I was looking through the Imitation of Christ, I was struck by this:

I would rather feel contrition than know how to define it.
Imitation of Christ, Chapter 1

Oh wow!!! Yes! There is an experimental side to religion – to Jesus – that I have dismissed as charismatic or pentecostal. But, in the history of the church, it is present in mysticism and contemplation. As a person who lives in their head, I want to get out of that space and feel Jesus in my experience. The paradox of Christianity is that it is a human relationship with the God-man, Jesus. So it involves all the elements of being human – mind, heart, spirit, physical, emotional, psychological. There is a part to every relationship between two people that is paradoxical – it is real but not rational. I still that very hard. My head tells me that no person would want a relationship with me but my feelings reach out to people.

There are still parts of me that have not even started to heal. The way I relate to others is one. Escaping that part into some form of solitude would not be healing but simply running away from the problem. I need to find that part first.

so …

Yesterday I saw a relative on the way home from the doctor and … this morning I had to stand in line for a Covid test. My first Covid test. So I am in isolation for 7 days with another test on day 6.

Somehow I think this is a blessing. Time to breathe, pray, and step back. I started my new medication today so I am glad for a little space for it to begin working.

It has not escaped my notice that when life gets tough, I seek solitude and silence. Work, especially in the afternoon, is extremely loud. It is sensory overload!

So I am simply waiting for things to unfold.

today

I am having a day off from work as I have been struggling with my mental health. It all came to a head yesterday. I am glad that I have supportive people around me to help. So today I have seen my doctor and adjusted my medication. I have caught up on a couple of things I have been putting off, and I have been to the shops for food for the next week.

My experience with mental health issues is not universal but rather “my” experience. I find that balance between the various aspects of my life so easily topples over and everything goes to mess. A word, even a look, at the wrong moment means I end up in tears – as I did yesterday at work. I find that I simply do not have the resources within myself to move beyond the situation and I end up overthinking and overanalysing everything. And that is only the beginning – I spiral down and pretty soon all is dark.

But in this darkness, the smallest light can bring some context to everything. A person who takes the time to listen with understanding and empathy can change everything. A word at the right time or even a touch can make all the difference.

So that is my insight from yesterday! I do not need to be fixed but rather allowed to live within my particular context.

today?

So today I move from “wannabe Anglican” to a member of the Anglican Church of Australia. I guess I am really only becoming a member of the parish which is part of the Archdiocese of Melbourne. With the numerous lockdowns, this has been some time in coming. I am anxious about the physical side of things – getting there, setting up, meeting people. I am meeting a person, a bishop of the diocese, whom I have not met before. I have worn masks for so long I sometimes forget the real me.

This is the first religious decision I have made on my own. The previous ones have been made with a community (family) around me to support me. This one is me alone before God. So I am extremely anxious about it all. I guess I feel quite silly for doing this again. And I worry that this is yet another temporary fix for the problem that is “me”. I guess (lots of guessing) that, in the end, I belong nowhere. People will wake up to me and that will be the end of another chapter,

It is bringing up the same monologue that I struggled with earlier in the year. My counsellor calls it the “monster within”. To be honest, the “monster” has simply become not as loud but it is always there. The last two weeks have been full of instances where I feel like an “alien in this world”. I simply do not connect and, to be honest, do not have the energy to connect. Conversations have become exhausting and people are wearisome. I have become more aware of my own emotions and how I basically run on them. I love the people in my life but my darkside wonders if that is enough. (And whether loving Jesus is enough.)

Sorry, that is a very depressing post! I rejoice in the small glimpses of love I feel from others and from Jesus. But the monster simply double guesses everything and everybody. I am just going to try to not overthink today. Go with the flow. But I know that will be hard! Life is such a balancing act.

I am going to try to say the various offices in the car at their normal time. I am hoping that some rhythm to the day will help, And, of course, that the prayer itself will change me – bring light to the darkness.

I have not written on this subject for a little while. In fact, life is okay. I think I am learning to “live with it” rather than fight it. But today I found an image that I think describes what it feels like to me.

I am not much of a “gym-type person”. In fact … let’s not go there! So I was thinking that living with depression, for me, is like living on a “balance-ball”. Depression is not always about being sad – it is not always about feelings. The smallest thing, when the core strength is not there, can upset you and make you fall off. Sometimes life can seem pretty normal. But something insignificant comes along – a comment, a letter, a look – and life is out of balance and I am chasing myself.

Sometimes I am working so hard trying to stay on the ball that I cannot do anything else. I need all my energy simply to stand upright. Sometimes the ball is pretty flat and it is easier to stand – sometimes it is very full and it is hard to get any balance.

It is nice when I have people standing with me who help. It is nice to have people get me back on the ball when I fall off. But in the end, this is my life – even with medication and great counselling. Hopefully I can get some core strength!!!

catastrophizing

I wanted to share that one of the things I really struggle with is catastrophizing. I know it is a learned response for me and it gets worse with the cycle of my depression. But it is incredibly hard to fight (for me) and it can be very overpowering.

As an aside, I think I have drifted to theologies that agree with my catastophizing – “the end is near” type ideas. I have been attracted by the holy elect type of thinking. But, in reality, it only leads to ghetto-type thinking and “us and then” actions.

So today I am struggling with seeing the light in the midst of the darkness I have created. And I am sure that the light at the end of the tunnel is a train!

life changes so fast

I never used to get those “Trigger Warning” starts to social media posts. Yet, recently, I have become more aware of triggers in my life. And I finally get the warning. When I am alone I am better but various people and contexts trigger me in various ways. Mostly they make me doubt myself, feel anxious, and then depressed. Of course, that is the start of it.

So now I have a problem: I know the trigger so should I avoid the people and contexts? Or should I simply be aware that the trigger is on the way? Should I simply prepare for the trigger and hope for the best?

I know I need to stand up for myself – say things that I need to be said. I need to be open about triggers and open to people that trigger me. And not be defensive about being triggered. But I feel I have hurt someone whom I care about by being triggered. It is not personal but it makes it hard for me to be around that person.

My past has made me hypervigilant – I am always on the look out for being a disappointment and a burden to people. I read too much into people’s words and actions, and I need to stop double guessing every situation. The double guessing triggers me! I do feel the normal reaction people have to me is disappointment.

Today has been an interesting day. I read some spirituality that I really needed to read. It has put me on an interesting path. I spent time with some nice people. But I have also had to face a major trigger and now I am struggling.

Anyway, I pray your day has been good.

life goes on

Last night was the last Bible Study for this term. I have mixed feelings about it. The night before I had another meeting. Both ended up being more stressful than I had thought – my fault not the meetings. I have a full day of meetings some of which I have no desire for. So I did not sleep well and I have woken with a headache (a by-product of the medication I am on).

I woke thinking about the above song. I was especially thinking about the line, “life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone”. In my 50s I am forced to completely restart. I have literally come back to my teenage years sleeping in the same bed, working in the same room, living in the same house. And I am not sure I can do it again!!!

Anyway, life goes on!

sometimes …

… I find things by accident but it is really by Providence. Today I was going through some “tags” I follow. I was happily reading someone else’s story and stumbled upon this quote:

My instinct is to defend myself. Yet the Holy Spirit whispers, “Make peace with the fact that you will be the villain in someone else’s story.”
ACCEPTANCE OF REJECTION

Yes!!!! That is me today. I needed to hear that!

I woke up sad. Some to-and-fro last night that left me emotionally exhausted. And I am struggling with the guilt of not doing more or trying harder. Simply getting through the day has been a struggle the last couple of days. It is all numb and emotionless. Yes, I am someone else’s villain. But the constant struggle is exhausting. I want to move on but God has other ideas – or, a least, I hope He does.

So, thank you to the author of reconcilingthings. I will be back!