I am not sure if it is a “goal” or simply a way of living. The book of Psalms says, “Wait in hope for the Lord.” That is my goal – to wait. I desire closer communion with Jesus. Yet, there is nothing I can do to merit such a gift – absolutely nothing. So I wait in hope. In other words, “for God all things are possible.” I desire the possibility of God.
It seems paradoxical that I do nothing (in hope) to achieve the goal I desire. Maybe one day!
I have a whole collection of favourite writers. And they change. At the moment, I am happy with anything by or about Soren Kierkegaard. A love affair that has been going on for some time. I find new things in his writing. Rabbit-holes!
Who else? Nietzsche at the moment, but I have had a major crush on Kafka. Reading The Metamorphosis (Verwandlung) was a major event.
I like journals or diaries. Kierkegaard or Kafka are good examples. Thomas Merton’s 7-volume set is good but, to be honest, can be a little on the pompous side. There was a time when I swallowed Merton’s books whole.
I have been on a little existentialist journey in theology, especially with John Macquarie.
Did I forget anyone? Most certainly.
I have changed my mind about changing my mind. I was confident that it was a sign of weakness – a personal intellectual shortcoming. So, I was stuck in the mud of my own certainty. ‘Answers’? I have them all.
However, life changes. Yesterday’s certainties may no longer be so certain, and my view of the world may no longer be so neat. Changing your mind is a way of living outside of abstractions. Do not put people in boxes and then become angry when they do not act according to your abstration! Try to live outside of right and wrong, in or outside my boxes.
So, I really changed my mind about myself. I do not have the answers, and I need to allow people space to be themselves. And honour people’s choices even when they hurt me.
I have put off going to the dentist. It makes me anxious and very stressed. Yes, there is pain, but I remember the negativity from the dentists of my youth. I guess my doctor constantly reminds me I need to take my medication to stay balanced, which is sort of the same. But a numb face, an aching jaw, and someone telling you what you do wrong simply do not make a pleasant experience. I have found one that is not too bad. Hasn’t said anything about my “brushing habits” yet but has mentioned it as a future discussion. But, to be honest, I would do just about anything than go to a dentist.
Anyway…
Can a vocation be a hobby? I like reading. I especially like things that make me think. Maybe that should be broader: things that make me think and feel. I try (very hard) not to rest in one area. I am reading, among other things, Ludwig Wittgenstein’s Tractatus which is as far away from my natural “feel” as possible. (But I am reading the parallel German-English version!)
So I read fiction (Daniel Silva’s The Order), literature (I love a good short story), philosophy (some I would not naturally read), theology, spirituality, history, and random things I find online. I do have areas which I use to relax. At the moment it is Nietschze. Otherwise Kierkegaard or any item related to anchorites in medieval England. Or anything related to religious life within Anglicanism. I do like Michael Yelton”s Anglican Papalism as a general distraction from life. I have gone through an Oscar Wilde stage. I really enjoyed The Picture of Dorian Gray. And Virginia Woolf (her short stories), Albert Camus (The Stranger), Kafka (the diaries and The Metamorphosis), Merton (especially the Journals), Desert Fathers and Mothers, and various random topics. All now add to the mix of my interests.
Oh wow that all sounds so pompous!
To be honest, I feel “out of place” all the time. I should have been born 100 years ago in a country far far away. But I doubt that would be the answer. No change of circumstances, culture, or religious group will magically fix my sense of alienation. Trust me, I have tried!
Experience has taught me that every person, no matter how kind and loving, has their own baggage. We have within each of us a point of privacy we call “me” – no connection to the outside, completely cut off. And this point of “me” is always alone, “out of place”, an alien. (Or, as Augustine says, is out of place until it finds a place in Jesus.) Maybe I simply profoundly feel that “me”!
Today is a strange day for me. I end one life and pick up an older one. It is not by choice (which makes it a little harder) but by Divine Providence. And, to be completely honest, I am feeling confuzzled – simultaneously confused and puzzled. Where from here?
I have a place I call home and I believe is my vocation. (Yes, the place is the vocation!) I have made this place right for me – it has a chapel and a library. I can walk to the shops, medical appointments, and church. (And, yes, the occasional hot chocolate ar Mr J’s.)
Yet I live here in a community that is in the midst of great change and uncertainty. I know (intellectually) that I can continue my vocation somewhere different. Yet I am not ready (emotionally) for that in any way. My role in this community is uncertain. And that really confuzzles me. I need to be silent.
So at the moment I feel lost, uncertain, and out of my “comfort zone”. I have prayed. And I fear. So I have prayed for that which I fear. Maybe it is me? (Most certainly it is me.) So, in this context, what do I choice?
I would like to learn real silence. Not the absence of noise. But the single focus on the Other. Not my option or view, not my “answer, but simply to listen to Jesus in the moment. I am not sure that is a skill or a divine grace but I can start by being less involved. That is, less involved in my misguided world and open to the holy in the other person.
Most of all I need to learn to not want to be listened to. To become irrelevant. To be the person with the answers and knowledge. I want to learn how to be forgotten!
Sorry if that sounds a little airy-fairy, self-indulgent, or even a “backhanded” boast.
Solitude and prayer!
I could pay more attention, become more intentional, concerning my periods of prayer. In the past, Anchorites had a book of people they prayed for daily. In some monasteries, it is part of the liturgy to read these names everyday. I could have more time for mental prayer during the day.
And maybe be a little more protective of my solitude. To be open to periods of silence and simply “be” in the moment. Not to worry about being “productive”. Not to chase the next “book high”.
To wait for the Lord in hope. Not to rush or seek to do it myself. To listen to myself and do what I preach.
Anyway, I have a doctor’s appointment so …
this solitary life 