Category: Personal

Sometimes people say that Melbourne can have four seasons in one day. Today, for me, has been all emotions in one day. I have been anxious and very sad but now I feel balanced and ready to move ahead. The anxiety from this morning has worked itself out. I have leveled out this afternoon which has given me some time to think about anxiety and how it affects me.

My anxiety often stops me from acting which, in turn, creates more anxiety. I am often so paralyzed by my anxiety that I cannot even imagine a world outside. The most basic and simplest of things can become a problem.

Basically, I find it very hard to trust myself. I simply do not see myself the same way that other people say they see me. I am always anxious before anything – meeting people, telephone, driving, speaking. Even the people with whom I have a relatively normal relationship I freet and act weird. I am always worried that I will offend people by simply being me. And every time I reflect back on things after the event I know I can do all those things and the anxiety was rather misplaced. And often the reality is that the inside is nothing like the outside – I am not nearly as weird and awkward as I think I am.

So the lesson for me is to remember before I allow my anxiety to throw my mind into a spin. Or simply to trust me – I can do it and there are even a few things that I can do well.

Fr Pontifex has been on my playlist for some time. I am a huge hip-hop/rap fan and he is without a doubt my favourite Christian rap artists. And I always love his videos – they are really well made, directed, and scripted. (Yes, the imagery is very Catholic but that is the tradition that formed me and in which I feel most comfortable.) So I thought I would share this song from his 2011 album The Symphony and the Static.

Eloquent words, our King is so quotable
We print his verses everywhere it’s just so notable
If I remember correctly Jesus said “I am THE way”
He is not one among wise men and the words they say
And if you put his words on your lips, check the tag for the price
You can’t say that you know him unless you live sacrifice

Pontifex, Count the Cost

Jesus asks one thing of me, “Follow Me”. And, as the song says, that means living sacrifice.

Today has not started well. I have had to take more medication to get a little balance this morning. My mind ran away from me on my walk and now I am all worked up inside. I had a cry before I said Morning Prayer. Morning Prayer (and the cry) helped. But facing a whole day is looking quite daunting at the moment. I have committed myself to a couple of things today so I will try to make them.

I feel pressure to have some idea about where my life is going. I have absolutely no clue. I cannot think about tomorrow so next month or next year is way beyond me at the moment. And people do not always understand when you tell them that my life goal is to survive. So I hide! And, to be honest, it is not much of a life when survival is all it is about.

But … sometimes life is simply a struggle to survive. Like walking it is learning to put one foot in front of the other and then the hard part – do it again. I am trying to do the things that I know will give me some balance – posting here gives me an outlet for my insides and also makes me accountable. I am trying to shut out the negative voices in my head and the ones from my past (which are very loud at the moment). I have not written about the personal side of my depression – the particulars – and I may never write about that side. Today is about surviving, getting to the end of the day, doing the things I have said I will do, and not falling apart. Because at the moment all I want to do is simply give up and float away into nothingness.

I will try to post later today.

Just to illustrate my blogging expertise!? I was wondering why no one had ever commented on a post. Today I worked out why – I did not allow comments on this blog. Grrrrr?!?!?! So comments are now available on future posts.

I have exercised three days in a row. I like to go for a walk early in the morning before Morning Prayer. I pretend I pray but really it is a time for me to think. Sometimes it is about ideas or people, and sometimes it is dark and not useful. I often turn the thoughts into posts here or I write them down in my journal. The last three days have been good and I physically feel better.

I am never sure if it part of the cycle I go through or if I am generally improving. But I walk, I think, and I listen to music. I like it better when it is cold. I need the solitude of the walk and physical exercise to try to find some balance before the day starts.

So now I am going to have a cup of tea and say Morning Prayer. I pray you have a hope-filled day with Jesus!

I have been listening to the Casting Crowns album Only Jesus. The first three songs are very much about my situation at the moment. So here is one of the songs that I relate to in particular.

I have struggled to write the “About Me?” page. Who I am is a difficult question for me. But trying to write it down has helped. Wanting to be “somebody” seems a very natural thing in our modern world. But when does the “wanting to be” define the “somebody”?

Surrender wanting to be “somebody”. Allow yourself to be a nobody for Jesus – only Jesus. It is so against everything that is happening around me. Live the new life in Jesus with possibility and be a “nobody” for Him.

So I finally got a podcast recorded. It only took me 4 takes – all because I keep switching off the recording when I put my phone in my pocket.

So there it is: Take 4!

Some reflection on Easter. It is always fun recording and producing the podcast so I hope you enjoy.

I started a recording while walking this morning. But it appears it switched off when I put my phone in my pocket. So no podcast today. I did have a perfect reflection on Easter and some general insights on life. But it was not to be!

I am hoping to record Thursday on the gospel for this coming Sunday. Hopefully I can get the technology working!