existential individual

We are born biological beings but we must become existential individuals by accepting responsibility for our actions. This is an application of Nietzsche’s advice to ‘become what you are’. Many people never do acknowledge such responsibility but rather flee their existential individuality into the comfort of the faceless crowd.

Thomas Flynn, Existentialism: A Very Short Introduction.

I remember first reading the above quote and being caught off-guard. The philosophy I had read before that had been western Aristotelian – Thomas Aquinas and the more conservative Roman Catholic philosophers. I read Augustine’s Confessions one Lent and became more interested in Plato and Christian Platonism. Somehow (by God’s grace) I read a few books about existentialism and ended with Kierkegaard. I’ll admit that just being able to spell “Kierkegaard” was a point of pride. I was attracted by Kierkegaard’s view of the self but the Absolute Paradox keeps me reading. But that is for another post!

The above is a thought I have often returned to because it puts it so simply and elegantly. Kierkegaard, of course, would speak of becoming a “single individual” before God. Often in Christian circles I have heard people speak of the evil of modern individualism. I think that is how some people would read the above quote. But the issue with modern individualism (what is that?) is the idea of freedom – someone being free does not mean that their actions are right. Again, for another post!

“Actions and consequences before God” is how I read the quote. (And how I understand Kierkegaard’s “single individual”.) I am responsible for my actions and for my relationship with Jesus. There is no magic formula or secret handshake that creates and keeps me in that relationship. No doctrinal position or liturgical rite will take away from me the responsibility I have before God for my relationship with Him. God makes the first move and reaches out to me. I am called to respond to Him in my particular and individual situation.

Maybe I should write a little about “faith” in the future? But the above is just as true for me in my daily life with depression. The moment I took responsibility for my mental health things changed. I remember crying for the first time during counselling – not hiding the pain behind a mask given to me by the crowd, not allowing the crowd to define me and box me into a role. Finding out what that “me” is has been painful and very hard. And it is a daily struggle not to run back into the crowd and just surrender “me” to a function I have been assigned.

So, anyway, I just wanted to share that quote.

Walking and thinking

I have exercised three days in a row. I like to go for a walk early in the morning before Morning Prayer. I pretend I pray but really it is a time for me to think. Sometimes it is about ideas or people, and sometimes it is dark and not useful. I often turn the thoughts into posts here or I write them down in my journal. The last three days have been good and I physically feel better.

I am never sure if it part of the cycle I go through or if I am generally improving. But I walk, I think, and I listen to music. I like it better when it is cold. I need the solitude of the walk and physical exercise to try to find some balance before the day starts.

So now I am going to have a cup of tea and say Morning Prayer. I pray you have a hope-filled day with Jesus!

I am just a nobody …

I have been listening to the Casting Crowns album Only Jesus. The first three songs are very much about my situation at the moment. So here is one of the songs that I relate to in particular.

I have struggled to write the “About Me?” page. Who I am is a difficult question for me. But trying to write it down has helped. Wanting to be “somebody” seems a very natural thing in our modern world. But when does the “wanting to be” define the “somebody”?

Surrender wanting to be “somebody”. Allow yourself to be a nobody for Jesus – only Jesus. It is so against everything that is happening around me. Live the new life in Jesus with possibility and be a “nobody” for Him.

grrrr …

I started a recording while walking this morning. But it appears it switched off when I put my phone in my pocket. So no podcast today. I did have a perfect reflection on Easter and some general insights on life. But it was not to be!

I am hoping to record Thursday on the gospel for this coming Sunday. Hopefully I can get the technology working!

get used to different

I was slow to jump on The Chosen bandwagon. But now I am leading the parade. We are planning to watch it as a parish and I am looking forward being together. And I am looking forward to Season 2.

But this picture for me is not about Season 2. It is about the caption: “Get used to different“. That should be my motto. Things are changing and my life is looking different. But there is one constant: Jesus. So focus on Him. Live with Jesus now and stop holding on to the past! Let life flow and let Jesus be Jesus.

The old is gone

Today is Easter Sunday. The liturgy was lovely this morning with a very good sermon.

Today’s gospel (John 20:1-19) has Jesus and Mary meeting at the tomb. Mary does not recognise Jesus until He calls her by name. I wonder how often we do not recognise Jesus in our daily lives? Yet more: I wonder if I ever close my ears and do not hear Him calling my name? The Resurrected Lord is alive and active now – Jesus lives. The moment is now for my life and my relationship with Jesus. The past has lost its power.

I was thinking this morning about how Easter is the proclamation of how the old is dead and the new life is full of possibility (Matthew 19:26). Letting go of the past is not always easy. I have found that moving from “I am …” to “I was …” an almost impossible leap. My struggle has always been that I allow things that I do to define me. I find it hard to accept that I am much more than the sum of my parts. And I am much more in the eyes of Jesus than in the eyes of other people.

Blessed Easter to you! It has been a life-changing one for me this year. I feel the power of the past has lifted and I am called to a new life. Not sure what it will look like and I am sure that I will have periods of darkness. But this new life is full of possibility – full of Jesus.

… not-so-bad-days

I have a very stressful day. I have to visit family and then see my counsellor. The counsellor has been my life-line in the last couple of months. And has literally talked me off the ledge a couple of times. My darker side wonders what the point of it all is – the talking and the talking and the talking. I know I feel better after talking. But I am impatient and want things to change. And there is always this voice in the back of my head that questions his motives. And what is the end of it all? Simply for me to live with depression?

I follow The Depression Chronicles on Instagram. I often find it very helpful in expressing or putting into pictures what it feels like to live with depression. Yes, there are bad days – darkness and hurt. And there are not-so-bad days. But often these do not look much different than the bad days.

So what is my point? I am thankful for the people who help me – and they do help. The people who support and encourage. The people who do not belittle the struggle. The people who stick around and do not leave when the going gets hard. The people who look after the little things – Did you eat today? Did you take your medication? And the counsellor who keeps listening even when I question his motives. The people who are love in the hurt and who reflect The Light in my darkness.