I cannot swim, so I do not like wide open spaces of water.
I cannot fly, so I do not like heights or flying in an aeroplane.
I like speaking in public, even to large crowds. (I rather not speak with individuals – see next.)
I like to be alone to focus on what is important to me.
I cannot count.
I have worked on a Four-Week Psalter for Morning and Evening Prayer, but that is not very interesting.
I always work on being “me.” But, to be honest, I think I’m losing the battle. I work at being completely transparent with and in God. What that means, I have no idea!
Distance! In a physical sense. Love in a spiritual.
I have no neighbours at the moment. One side is the church, and the other is a car park. There is lots of space!
But how am I a good neighbour to those in my life? I make choices that benefit them (or perhaps for their good). And I do that without asking or looking for anything in return. The starting point is not “the good” (an ideal I created) but the good in the other. I have a duty to love, and that duty is to the person, not to an idea. I try to live that with the people in my life. It is not easy and, at the moment, almost impossible.
I have reflected on the ” risk ” question in the last week or so. I feel stuck at the moment. Knowing where to go from here is easy; actually, doing it is different. The risk is in the doing, and, to be honest, I am not in an emotional state to take risks.
So I am stuck, down on myself, irritable, and argumentative (it is better to stay in solitude). I am struggling with prayer. All my hope is in the medication I am on, but that has not worked as well as at other times. I am having really strange vivid dreams.
The biggest risk is doing the thing that will unstuck me. But there are no magical solutions and maybe I am simply the problem.
Where is the satisfaction if there is no risk (“guaranteed not to fail”)? And where is the motivation if there is no risk?
While there may be many things I would like to attempt, the risk is what makes them meaningful to me.
I am not sure if it is a “goal” or simply a way of living. The book of Psalms says, “Wait in hope for the Lord.” That is my goal – to wait. I desire closer communion with Jesus. Yet, there is nothing I can do to merit such a gift – absolutely nothing. So I wait in hope. In other words, “for God all things are possible.” I desire the possibility of God.
It seems paradoxical that I do nothing (in hope) to achieve the goal I desire. Maybe one day!
I have a whole collection of favourite writers. And they change. At the moment, I am happy with anything by or about Soren Kierkegaard. A love affair that has been going on for some time. I find new things in his writing. Rabbit-holes!
Who else? Nietzsche at the moment, but I have had a major crush on Kafka. Reading The Metamorphosis (Verwandlung) was a major event.
I like journals or diaries. Kierkegaard or Kafka are good examples. Thomas Merton’s 7-volume set is good but, to be honest, can be a little on the pompous side. There was a time when I swallowed Merton’s books whole.
I have been on a little existentialist journey in theology, especially with John Macquarie.
Did I forget anyone? Most certainly.
I have changed my mind about changing my mind. I was confident that it was a sign of weakness – a personal intellectual shortcoming. So, I was stuck in the mud of my own certainty. ‘Answers’? I have them all.
However, life changes. Yesterday’s certainties may no longer be so certain, and my view of the world may no longer be so neat. Changing your mind is a way of living outside of abstractions. Do not put people in boxes and then become angry when they do not act according to your abstration! Try to live outside of right and wrong, in or outside my boxes.
So, I really changed my mind about myself. I do not have the answers, and I need to allow people space to be themselves. And honour people’s choices even when they hurt me.
I have put off going to the dentist. It makes me anxious and very stressed. Yes, there is pain, but I remember the negativity from the dentists of my youth. I guess my doctor constantly reminds me I need to take my medication to stay balanced, which is sort of the same. But a numb face, an aching jaw, and someone telling you what you do wrong simply do not make a pleasant experience. I have found one that is not too bad. Hasn’t said anything about my “brushing habits” yet but has mentioned it as a future discussion. But, to be honest, I would do just about anything than go to a dentist.
Anyway…
Can a vocation be a hobby? I like reading. I especially like things that make me think. Maybe that should be broader: things that make me think and feel. I try (very hard) not to rest in one area. I am reading, among other things, Ludwig Wittgenstein’s Tractatus which is as far away from my natural “feel” as possible. (But I am reading the parallel German-English version!)
So I read fiction (Daniel Silva’s The Order), literature (I love a good short story), philosophy (some I would not naturally read), theology, spirituality, history, and random things I find online. I do have areas which I use to relax. At the moment it is Nietschze. Otherwise Kierkegaard or any item related to anchorites in medieval England. Or anything related to religious life within Anglicanism. I do like Michael Yelton”s Anglican Papalism as a general distraction from life. I have gone through an Oscar Wilde stage. I really enjoyed The Picture of Dorian Gray. And Virginia Woolf (her short stories), Albert Camus (The Stranger), Kafka (the diaries and The Metamorphosis), Merton (especially the Journals), Desert Fathers and Mothers, and various random topics. All now add to the mix of my interests.
Oh wow that all sounds so pompous!
a fool and his prayer book 