Author: a fool

All alone with Jesus

accountability

So, to be transparent, I believe in accountability. Each of us will one day need to give an account of our life and actions (or lack thereof). In this, I stand alone before God.

Sin is very much connected. Yes, I think there is such a thing. Without my sin, there is no Jesus as my Saviour. Sin is not a moral failure (doing the wrong thing) but a broken relationship that shows itself in my actions and desires. And the great news is that Jesus steps towards me and bridges the gap when I cannot move.

How outrages!?

joke?

Have you ever thought that all of this is a cosmic joke? It’s a mistake, and the joke is on me. That feeling that I am completely out of place, out of time, out of sync with the world around me. There is an inside joke called “life”, of which I am simply not part.

I have felt that more in the last couple of months, and I censor myself to fit in, making myself small to fit into other people’s views of me. I have not spoken up and allowed my silence to be consent. It is a learned stress response. It is a way to escape and internalise everything until the balloon is full and “pops” with much noise. And I want to run, perhaps to see if people will miss me.

When is “enough” enough? Where do you draw the line? I fool myself into thinking that I am open-minded, yet even I have my limit. But where is that invisible line? I think I am on the threshold. I feel like I am drowning. Or being fed a diet of air. Why do I hide my thoughts and ideas for “peace”? Is that life with other people?

Being alone is great. Refreshing. Upbuilding. Perhaps the context has to change?

One of my favourite Kierkegaard quotes is from Sickness Unto Death:

The formula that describes the state of the self when despair is completely rooted out is this: in relating itself to itself and in willing to be itself, the self rests transparently in the power that established it.

So, I pray for what I fear most: having my “self” transparent in Jesus.

truth and facts, and all that

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.

1 Corinthians 8:1

“Truth? What is that?” Pilate asked Jesus, The Truth (John 14:6). There is a lot of talk about facts and truth. Perhaps, there should be?! Yet, some of this talk comes from a “scientific worldview” that has simply been baptised.

So, the above verse came to mind. And, to be a Kierkegaard fanboy, there is a difference between something being “true” (whatever that may mean) and something being “upbuilding”.

Maybe I spend too much time alone. I do not understand the idea of “truth moving people to action.” Simply knowing the truth does not make my life any different. And there are a plethora of words that are used as synonyms.

It is an ugly ditch – history and knowledge.

So, anyway …

cell of the heart

This term is applied to Religious who stay within a particular convent or monastery – the ‘enclosure’ – to pursue more effectively a life of prayer. They would usually only leave the enclosure for medical treatment or other exceptional reasons. This rule is intended to help the enclosed Religious be more easily protected from the distractions and attentions of the outside world.

Glossary – Anglican Religious Life Yearbook
  • There is an outer enclosure—a defined space governed by law or freely chosen in love.
  • There is the inner enclosure—a private space within the defined space, a cell only for the individual. Defined by either law or freely chosen in love.
  • The enclosure of the heart is a place of meeting where only Jesus may enter—the place of free love.

The outer serves the inner. And all points to Jesus.

religion?

Daily writing prompt
What was your favorite subject in school?
View all responses

The great thing about subjects at school is that they can be held at arm’s length. I can study and collect all the knowledge but not emotionally engage with it—a little like Mary’s Room.

At the end of my schooling, it was mathematics. I was hoping to be a math teacher. I even started a university degree. But that did not happen.

When I was just starting, my reports say I was very good at religion. (My mother reminded me on Sunday.) I am not sure what that means. Later, I found other things to “excite” me. Somehow, my life has come full circle.

I should add that I am “good” (relatively) at religion, theology, and philosophy. That does not mean I have it all together or am perfect. I am working on the lived experience every day.