a fool

netflix docos

I have been watching some Netflix documentaries. I think it is an existentialist experience to watch some of these documentaries – real people doing real things with real feelings. And it creates a response in me.

A couple of days ago, I watched Bad Vegan. Very interesting! There are two issues raised for me: passion and responsibility.

At the end of the series, Sarma Melngailis goes to prison and then speaks about her experience. At the very end, when she is released, she reflects on a conversation with one of the guards. This conversation is all about converting the guard to veganism. It reminded me of St Paul in prison. How many of us are so committed to a cause?

The series is all about a relationship. Within this relationship (which was abusive) the question of responsibility is raised. All relationships include (at least) two people who are free individuals responsible for their actions. I think the question at the end of the series is how much responsibility do individuals carry for other people? It raises the legal but it made me think of the moral/philosophical question.

The other one I watched last night is The Tinder Swindler. It made me feel very sad. We have this need to “hook up” and will surrender all for love. And there are people in the world who will use this “need” for their own gain. It shows how fundamental love is for us as human beings and how it is beyond reason – it is a secular form of faith. It did make me very wary of Tinder!

We have this insatiable need for love that will never be met by anyone on this side of eternity. And the truth of that is shown paradoxically by those who chose not to play the game. The relationship we seek can only be a reflection of the relationship with the Absolute. And if there is no relationship with the Absolute then what sort of reflection are we seeing?

I admit that at the end I was somewhat upset by the smallish punishment of the swindler. Again, responsibility for actions.

So if all of that gives you an insight into my emotional state, good! I am struggling with the idea of relationships, passion (in the philosophical and physical sense), and above all responsibility. Merton speaks about reading novels, I suggest that we watch some good TV and enter into the suffering and struggle of others. Not to sit on the sideline with popcorn. Not to be a spectator claiming “that will never happen to me”. But to help the self become a real self before God. To become really human!

the crowd is untruth

We are born biological beings but we must become existential individuals by accepting responsibility for our actions. This is an application of Nietzsche’s advice to ‘become what you are’. Many people never do acknowledge such responsibility but rather flee their existential individuality into the comfort of the faceless crowd.
Existentialism: A Very Short Introduction

I have a tattoo that says, “the crowd is untruth”. People sometimes see it and think it is an act of rebellion: I can do what I want. (Which is so funny if you know me!) But it is Kierkegaard’s way of summarising the existentialist task we are all called to.

I have been thinking about that distinction: the single individual (Kierkegaard) vs individualism. Individualism is the reason for an action – I can do what I want – while “the single individual” is taking personal responsibility for my actions.

In the context of faith, I am sometimes (often?) intellectually stretched by the idea that what I believe is less important than that I have faith. I have no answer! Apart from saying that the what (or much better the who) is important to me. When the content of faith remains outside of me, do I really have faith? But if the content is only inside of me?

So anyway, feeling cactus so I am escaping into books.

faith is a passion

When a person sets out on what in a certain sense is the hard way of the tragic hero, many will be able to advise him; the one who goes faith’s narrow way, him no one can advise, no one can understand. Faith is a miracle, and yet no human being is excluded from it, for that which unites all human life is passion, and faith is a passion.
Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling

More classical than modern in his definition of passion. The way of faith is travelled alone – alone before God.

intimacy

So he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him.
Luke 15:20

I had a dream about the Parable of the Compassionate Father (Luke 15:11-32). It was vivid and emotional.

Yesterday, during prayers, I thought of the above verse: the intimacy that the father shows to his returning son. People sometimes (not to me!) sign their emails, “Hugs and kisses”, and that is what is happening here.

I can honestly say that I do not remember the last time someone hugged me. Alas, I do remember the last time someone kissed me. I thought I had a relationship in which I could in an earthly sense experience the above intimacy. Where someone had compassion on me (and my many failings) and initiated intimacy because of that compassion. I think I have always searched for this type of intimacy.

The insight the dream gave me (or maybe the reflection afterwards) is that I cannot find that type of intimacy in people. Only in Jesus! I can attempt to be close to people – and I realise that I am a person people do not get close to – but my desire for intimacy will only find fulfilment in Jesus.

So the paradoxical is that in choosing Jesus, desiring him alone, and “being alone” (that is, apart from people), I find that which I have been searching for all my life. And, in return, my relationship with people will be more intimate because of Jesus.

experience

During the week the theme of “experience” has surfaced a couple of times. It reminded me of a thought experiment sometimes called Mary’s Room. I think it highlights the importance of experience. And, by extension, to experience Jesus is better than to know about Jesus.

Also: I think the above is what Kierkegaard writes about in Philosophical Fragments.

Anyway, read the thought experiment and think about it:

Mary is a brilliant scientist who is, for whatever reason, forced to investigate the world from a black and white room via a black and white television monitor. She specializes in the neurophysiology of vision and acquires, let us suppose, all the physical information there is to obtain about what goes on when we see ripe tomatoes, or the sky, and use terms like “red”, “blue”, and so on. She discovers, for example, just which wavelength combinations from the sky stimulate the retina, and exactly how this produces via the central nervous system the contraction of the vocal cords and expulsion of air from the lungs that results in the uttering of the sentence “The sky is blue”. … What will happen when Mary is released from her black and white room or is given a color television monitor? Will she learn anything or not?

love and rules

I am a Prayer Book nerd. I like the older versions but I also like the modern versions. The Prayer Book has formed me in a particular way. But (an important distinction) my relationship with Jesus is so much more than liturgy.

I was thinking about the traditional structure of the Communion Service in the Prayer Book. It starts with the Collect for Purity (my favourite prayer) and then has this (from Common Worship):

Our Lord Jesus Christ said:
The first commandment is this:
‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God is the only Lord.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart,
with all your soul, with all your mind,
and with all your strength.’

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’
There is no other commandment greater than these.
On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Amen. Lord, have mercy.

The original compilers of the Prayer Book must have felt it was important to rehearse this central message of Jesus. Maybe because it is the Rule of Life for all Christians? Is there really any need to go beyond?

Anyway, I have updated my Rule of Life page to reflect the above.

cell

I just wanted to share this picture of a monastic cell. I like the simplicity. And the little prayer bench.

alone?

I have been listening to Poor Bishop Hooper for a while and I am not sure if I love it or hate it. Anyway!?

I like this song. I like the images and they fit well into what I have been feeling and thinking. So enjoy!

king?

The picture above is often associated with the visit of a king to an anchorite, hence illustrating the importance of anchorite spiritual counsel. But …

What if the picture is not a king but King Jesus? What is the picture is about the everyday encounter that the anchorite has with Jesus – the Jesus who is present to the anchorite as King?

I like both but King Jesus is very heart-warming to me.

choice

… I believe most sincerely that the consolation of Jesus Christ, and the sweetness of his love, with the fire of the Holy Spirit who cleanses all sin, shall be in you and with you, leading you and instructing you how you are to meditate, how you are to pray, and what you are to do, so that after a few years you
shall certainly have more delight in being yourself and speaking with your beloved and your spouse, Jesus Christ, who is high in Heaven …
Richard Rolle

The above is written by the English hermit Richard Rolle to an anchorite. The anchorite has asked for a rule but Richard replies rather with a reflection on the spiritual life in general. The text illustrates that, unlike vowed monasticism, there is a certain amount of freedom and choice. Yes, the choice is inspired by the Holy Spirit. Yet the life of an anchorite within the English tradition is less about obedience and more about the freedom to explore the self in the presence of God.

It has been a real insight for me to see that there is a life that is not about rules but about being present with Jesus.