Author: a fool

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I have exercised three days in a row. I like to go for a walk early in the morning before Morning Prayer. I pretend I pray but really it is a time for me to think. Sometimes it is about ideas or people, and sometimes it is dark and not useful. I often turn the thoughts into posts here or I write them down in my journal. The last three days have been good and I physically feel better.

I am never sure if it part of the cycle I go through or if I am generally improving. But I walk, I think, and I listen to music. I like it better when it is cold. I need the solitude of the walk and physical exercise to try to find some balance before the day starts.

So now I am going to have a cup of tea and say Morning Prayer. I pray you have a hope-filled day with Jesus!

I have been listening to the Casting Crowns album Only Jesus. The first three songs are very much about my situation at the moment. So here is one of the songs that I relate to in particular.

I have struggled to write the “About Me?” page. Who I am is a difficult question for me. But trying to write it down has helped. Wanting to be “somebody” seems a very natural thing in our modern world. But when does the “wanting to be” define the “somebody”?

Surrender wanting to be “somebody”. Allow yourself to be a nobody for Jesus – only Jesus. It is so against everything that is happening around me. Live the new life in Jesus with possibility and be a “nobody” for Him.

So I finally got a podcast recorded. It only took me 4 takes – all because I keep switching off the recording when I put my phone in my pocket.

So there it is: Take 4!

Some reflection on Easter. It is always fun recording and producing the podcast so I hope you enjoy.

I started a recording while walking this morning. But it appears it switched off when I put my phone in my pocket. So no podcast today. I did have a perfect reflection on Easter and some general insights on life. But it was not to be!

I am hoping to record Thursday on the gospel for this coming Sunday. Hopefully I can get the technology working!

I was slow to jump on The Chosen bandwagon. But now I am leading the parade. We are planning to watch it as a parish and I am looking forward being together. And I am looking forward to Season 2.

But this picture for me is not about Season 2. It is about the caption: “Get used to different“. That should be my motto. Things are changing and my life is looking different. But there is one constant: Jesus. So focus on Him. Live with Jesus now and stop holding on to the past! Let life flow and let Jesus be Jesus.

Today is Easter Sunday. The liturgy was lovely this morning with a very good sermon.

Today’s gospel (John 20:1-19) has Jesus and Mary meeting at the tomb. Mary does not recognise Jesus until He calls her by name. I wonder how often we do not recognise Jesus in our daily lives? Yet more: I wonder if I ever close my ears and do not hear Him calling my name? The Resurrected Lord is alive and active now – Jesus lives. The moment is now for my life and my relationship with Jesus. The past has lost its power.

I was thinking this morning about how Easter is the proclamation of how the old is dead and the new life is full of possibility (Matthew 19:26). Letting go of the past is not always easy. I have found that moving from “I am …” to “I was …” an almost impossible leap. My struggle has always been that I allow things that I do to define me. I find it hard to accept that I am much more than the sum of my parts. And I am much more in the eyes of Jesus than in the eyes of other people.

Blessed Easter to you! It has been a life-changing one for me this year. I feel the power of the past has lifted and I am called to a new life. Not sure what it will look like and I am sure that I will have periods of darkness. But this new life is full of possibility – full of Jesus.

I have a very stressful day. I have to visit family and then see my counsellor. The counsellor has been my life-line in the last couple of months. And has literally talked me off the ledge a couple of times. My darker side wonders what the point of it all is – the talking and the talking and the talking. I know I feel better after talking. But I am impatient and want things to change. And there is always this voice in the back of my head that questions his motives. And what is the end of it all? Simply for me to live with depression?

I follow The Depression Chronicles on Instagram. I often find it very helpful in expressing or putting into pictures what it feels like to live with depression. Yes, there are bad days – darkness and hurt. And there are not-so-bad days. But often these do not look much different than the bad days.

So what is my point? I am thankful for the people who help me – and they do help. The people who support and encourage. The people who do not belittle the struggle. The people who stick around and do not leave when the going gets hard. The people who look after the little things – Did you eat today? Did you take your medication? And the counsellor who keeps listening even when I question his motives. The people who are love in the hurt and who reflect The Light in my darkness.

Today we read the Passion according to Mark during our Good Friday liturgy. It has all the normal parts. But this year I was struck by how Jesus is betrayed by a kiss, a sign of intimacy and emotion.

Immediately, while he was still speaking, Judas, one of the twelve, arrived; and with him there was a crowd with swords and clubs, from the chief priests, the scribes, and the elders. Now the betrayer had given them a sign, saying, “The one I will kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard.” So when he came, he went up to him at once and said, “Rabbi!” and kissed him.

Mark 14:43-45

My relationship with Jesus calls for intimacy – inwardness. If it is all outside of me – in ceremonies and rituals, dogmas or creeds – it is not yet a relationship but rather an ideal and Jesus is not a person but an object. The moment that it is Jesus and me, when He knows me and I know Him from the inside out, it is a relationship. I can only have intimacy with a person. The moment Jesus ceases to be an object but becomes a Person present right now, I have intimacy. From this inwardness must grow the outer – “follow me”. So love calls me into intimacy and love grows from intimacy.

I was struck by how the cross is about people. Jesus’ suffering and pain is His most human moment. The moment He is alone before God with His hurt and burdens, He is truly human. But for the world at that very moment He is an object. Only a person could betray Him with intimacy.

Most of all I was struck by how Jesus could only be betrayed by someone with whom He was intimate. The betrayal of the cross is that those who know Jesus but refuse Him. The betrayal was closing yourself off from the Person. Only a person who has a relationship with Jesus can really betray Him. I was struck today that when I close myself from Jesus, when I shut Him out of parts of my life, my intimacy betrays Him. And how an outward sign – a kiss – is the proclamation of inward betrayal.

Today is Good Friday. I am preparing to go to church for the liturgy. But I thought I would share one picture for the start of the day:

While I do not normally go for the more gruesome pictures of the crucifixion (I have not seen The Passion), I think that the caption says it all: I love you. In the midst of everything that goes on in my life – and the second life that I live in my head – that phrase means more than anything.

May you have a blessed Good Friday and hear the voice of Jesus say, “I love you”.

I had never really thought of a happy place until someone mentioned it to me. In fact, the person knew my happy place before I did. I like the idea. Maybe I should call it my “hermitage” or my “cell”? It is not always a physical space – for me it is also when I teach or talk ideas with some people. But it is a “place” where I relax and I am more “me” than other places.

This is my happy place – sitting outside in the sun reading with a cup of tea. The notebook is my journal with my favourite pen. I listened to a meditation for calming anxiety, and read some of the article on Kierkegaard. Allowing myself to stop from the pressure I place on myself is a strange (and still somewhat awkward) feeling. Yet knowing that I can return to this place, physically and emotionally, is a really nice and calming thought.

Do you have a happy place?