Living with depression – Page 5

Being a man?

I just wanted to share the above from Instagram. I really identify with it and I have struggled with being a male who feels things deeply and often, in last three months, has cried. In fact, I cannot recall a day when I have not cried in the last three months.

Now the real insight for me is that I can see the above as a negative. But it is only negative if I force myself into an image of maleness that is given to me by others. All of the above is a positive. Yes, I feel things deeply and I cry. That just makes me human. And some of the gifts that brings to others is a huge positive in my life and in other people’s lives.

I like the above quote because I have moved from seeing it all as a disease that needs to be removed to a gift that needs to be celebrated. Yes, I struggle and I am not like most males or people. But the gifts that being a sensitive male brings much outweighs the negatives and struggles.

I pray you have Jesus filled day!

hermit maybe?

I have a very stressful week ahead. A lot happening that I am not ready to face. I have had a headache for three days that I am sure is the stress related to the anxiety that I am feeling.

So my first reaction is to dream about being a hermit – to live alone somewhere without contact or interaction with other people. Recluse would be a better term – or a solitary. The other option is to enter some monastery somewhere and disappear. The problem is that I do not have a vocation to the religious life – either as an individual or within a community. To be honest, I am unsure if I have any vocation or calling. I have tried to wear various masks during my life – masks that often others gave me or that I thought others wanted me to wear. So I think this would just be another version of a mask that has been given to me by someone else.

I know for certain that it would just be a form of escapism. I like to run away from my problems rather than face them. I procrastinate because I cannot face the world. So I would be running from the world rather than to religious life.

I have learned over the last three months and I am extremely grateful for the people who have helped me. I also carry the pain of people who have decided that they cannot bare with me any longer. And that pain is so real at the moment that it colours everything in my life.

In the end I am alone before God. I have to act – no one else can act for me or on my behalf. I have to face my actions and the consequences. Hopefully I will be able to look back on this time and see it as a time of growth. But right now I am anxious and stressed.

So hermitage – yes or no?

things change so quickly

I was thinking about how quickly things change in life. Not always in a bad way but for me it appears to always be bad at the moment. When I feel I have reached some form of balance, something happens and I am back at the start. Yes, I am back at the start with new skills and more life experience. But I am back at the start. And it is exhausting!

So the above quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off came to mind. Yes just stop! Stop and look around. I feel like everything is rushing past me at the moment, like I am missing life itself.

I try to find Jesus in the darkness – allow Him to carry me. So there is that!

… and …

I wanted to add something to the previous post – life is not always as bad as my anxiety makes me think!!!! Sometimes my anxiety and depression lie to me about life.

Thank you to the people who prayed – I do very much appreciate it.

Today has ended up not as bad as I had imagined. Things are moving in the right direction and I am going to get the help I need. Sometimes the system does work! More than ever I am thankful for the people in my life who support me and who have journey with me through it all. The people who write little messages of support, pray for me, and those who give me advice and provide wisdom. I am really not alone in this all. And God is always good, loving, merciful, and compassionate.

fragile

I have a number of important things to do today. I am very anxious about it all and it has been on my mind for many days. If you are so inclined, would you please pray for me?!

This morning I was trying to think of a word that describes me at the moment. I came up with fragile. I feel like I am about to break with any small bump. Everything is finely balanced and I am ok with going on but a small thing could make everything come crashing down.

So today I am praying that I can get to the end of the day without too much pain. I am ok at the moment but know today will be stressful.

I pray you have a Jesus filled day!

Alone?

I feel very overwhelmed. I am facing a hurdle that is not of my making but for which I feel responsible. The very thought of it brings me to tears. I am trying to not engage with the overthinking, trying to let it pass through me, but it is harder than normal this morning. My counsellor helped me yesterday but I feel like I have regressed in regard to my anxiety and depression. I know what I should be doing (in my head) but my heart just does not agree and is actually holding me back.

I have tried this journey on my own for almost 50 years. I have “toughed out” the darkness and just kept going. I have lived with the anxiety and have just hidden the screaming voice inside of me. I have worn a mask that has been handed to me by other people. A mask I convinced myself was the right thing to do, the Godly thing to wear.

So someone sent me the above song this morning. I am extremely thankful for the people God has placed in my life: some by blood, and some by a common faith and Lord. I still feel the disappointment of past failures and I really like to overthink those and what they say about me. But God speaks through people! People that draw me back to Jesus and to His community. People that literally hold my hand when it gets difficult and dark.

Today I am hoping to go for a walk, maybe record a podcast, and finish The Young Pope. And have a nice cup of tea. I am hoping to get some time to pray and just sit silently in God’s presence. And in the silence to hear God speak to me rather than listening to the voices that hold me back.

I hope you have a Jesus filled day!

no cure for life

After writing the last post I was thinking about life and this quote from The Sopranos came to mind. Tony is maybe not the greatest moral example. Yet the series does show a person trying to be “real” in an extraordinary context. And it is seriously funny in parts! Yes, there is no cure for life.

All of that reminded me of another quote that is often ascribed to Kierkegaard but more likely to be a slightly reworded version of a quote by Jacobus Johannes Leeuw:

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

To live in the moment with Jesus – that is as much as I can hope for now. Maybe that sounds a little defeatist? Allow life to unfold, allow God to love, and simply to experience that reality. Allow myself to experience Jesus in the present. Surrender control, surrender myself, and “abide” in Jesus.

jittery

I have been feeling really jittery. I have tried all the normal things but nothing is working. I guess it is just life that makes me like this. My anxiety has increased over the last couple of days and I am wondering if I am on the way down in my darkness cycle.

I remember hearing a sermon on “anxiety” once. The preacher defined anxiety has having a “big fear” and offered an answer – “put it all on the Lord”. I often think back on that sermon. My experience of anxiety has been anything but a “big fear”. Fear is focused on an object. My experience of anxiety is more of an unfocused foreboding – something bad is always just around the corner. And then the overthinking starts – the spiral down. “What will I do?”, “Who can help me?”, “What will other people think?” I know (with my head) that it is just my anxiety speaking but often my heart does not follow. There is a debate happening inside me and it is really draining. It takes all my energy just to do the normal things in my day without any room for doing extra. And then I feel guilty for not doing extra and the spiral moved down.

My psychologist says that anxiety left untreated will develop into depression. I often wonder if the darkness brings my anxiety or my anxiety my darkness. Either way I know they are life-partners!

I have found this Instagram page very helpful. It often says the things that I am feeling or just brings words of encouragement. I know I have to learn to be honest with people I trust (which is a very small group). And to reach out when I am not well – when I see the signs. I simply do not want to be a burden to anyone.

So I have a couple of things to do today – and a few that I have already done. I am putting my faith in the rhyme that I have established in my life to carry me to tomorrow. And then start again!

I pray you have a Jesus filled day!

I know but I do not feel it yet

I have been listening to the previous song. So I thought I would share the lyrics:

You’ve owned your fear and all your self-loathing
You’ve owned the voices inside of your head
You’ve owned the shame and reproach of your failure
It’s time to own your belovedness

You’ve owned your past and how it’s defined you
You’ve owned everything everybody else says
It’s time to hear what your father has spoken
It’s time to own your belovedness

He says, “You’re mine, I smiled when I made you
I find you beautiful in every way
My love for you is fierce and unending
I’ll come to find you, whatever it takes
My beloved”

You’ve owned the mess you see in the mirror
You’ve owned the lies that you’re just not enough
You’ve been so blinded by all you’re comparing
It’s time to own your belovedness

He says, “You’re mine, I smiled when I made you
I find you…
Belovedness by Sarah Kroger

This song does sum up my life. I like how it goes from past tense (owned) to the present (He says). That is life in Jesus – always now. But leaving the past behind is very hard. I struggle everyday with the guilt and shame of my past – “You’ve been so blinded by all you’re comparing”. And I want to take responsibility for everything even those parts which are not me.

Part of my life is owning the voices in my head – the negative self-talk that is my constant companion. And ignoring the negative voices that have tried to define me for a long time – the voices that are saying that I am simply “not enough”. I want to “own the mess”.

I know that only time will heal and in the right time God will give me some clarity. And I know that I am loved right now in Jesus. But the constant struggle between my head and my heart is the very root of my depression. Owning it and writing about it is part of the healing process for me.

I know all of that but I do not feel it yet.

so what?

I wanted to follow up on this morning’s post. I wonder if some of “darkness” today is actually a reflection of the weather which has been dark and cold. So today has been more a marathon than a spirit in that I have simply struggled to do anything.

I did record a podcast on my walk. So there is two things I did get done. “Know it, name it, and move on” – a little cliche but it is where I am “at”. Being open has helped. But a little balance and certainty would be nice. Life is not much fun when surviving is all you are doing. I would simply like to go to sleep but it is a little early and I do not want to be awake in the middle of the night. So bad 80s music and some reading.

I have a counselling session tomorrow via Zoom. As always I am looking forward to having another person’s input – to talk and listening. I hope you have had a pleasant day and have a very Jesus filled day tomorrow.