More transparency: I am pro-kneeling for prayer, especially the eucharistic prayer. The celebrant/priest is the only person who should stand during the eucharistic prayer. I think time spent on your knees is never wasted, so pray often on your knees. I love my kneeler/prie-deu for that very reason.
Have you ever thought that all of this is a cosmic joke? It’s a mistake, and the joke is on me. That feeling that I am completely out of place, out of time, out of sync with the world around me. There is an inside joke called “life”, of which I am simply not part.
I have felt that more in the last couple of months, and I censor myself to fit in, making myself small to fit into other people’s views of me. I have not spoken up and allowed my silence to be consent. It is a learned stress response. It is a way to escape and internalise everything until the balloon is full and “pops” with much noise. And I want to run, perhaps to see if people will miss me.
When is “enough” enough? Where do you draw the line? I fool myself into thinking that I am open-minded, yet even I have my limit. But where is that invisible line? I think I am on the threshold. I feel like I am drowning. Or being fed a diet of air. Why do I hide my thoughts and ideas for “peace”? Is that life with other people?
Being alone is great. Refreshing. Upbuilding. Perhaps the context has to change?
One of my favourite Kierkegaard quotes is from Sickness Unto Death:
The formula that describes the state of the self when despair is completely rooted out is this: in relating itself to itself and in willing to be itself, the self rests transparently in the power that established it.
So, I pray for what I fear most: having my “self” transparent in Jesus.
I have no clue. I hope it will still be here, doing what I am doing now. But it can also change very quickly. In fact, I am thinking of changing things.
The great thing about subjects at school is that they can be held at arm’s length. I can study and collect all the knowledge but not emotionally engage with it—a little like Mary’s Room.
At the end of my schooling, it was mathematics. I was hoping to be a math teacher. I even started a university degree. But that did not happen.
When I was just starting, my reports say I was very good at religion. (My mother reminded me on Sunday.) I am not sure what that means. Later, I found other things to “excite” me. Somehow, my life has come full circle.
I should add that I am “good” (relatively) at religion, theology, and philosophy. That does not mean I have it all together or am perfect. I am working on the lived experience every day.
I just heard this again and thought I would share. “And I just want to see if you feel the same as me.”
… holding to the outward form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid them! Indeed, all who want to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.
2 Timonthy 3:5, 12
Is reading a form of exercise?
Otherwise, it is a nice walk along the beach. I used to walk every day, but not so much anymore! As some would say (me!), “there are too many people out there”.
To sit in silence without needing outside stimulation or other people. It can be for 10 minutes or five during the day. Sit outside and enjoy the sun, or just listen to the rain. Without a goal, a product, or an end, simply sit in silence and be “me.”
So I have been feeling super crap. A depressive episode, on top of a lot of change and a surprise meeting, has made life almost unbearable. I spoke with my counsellor yesterday, and that has most certainly helped. (Not least because he offered spiritual advice.) Honestly, I had enough yesterday morning and was ready to pack my bags.
Life is never rosy for me, nor do I expect it to be. I have made huge mistakes in my life. I have hurt, and continue to hurt, people that I love. People are not a “means to an end” – even my own mental health. I am a sinner. Everything in my life reminds me that I cannot do it without Jesus.
I cannot expect other people to change to suit me. I must change. Jesus is present in the moment not to judge but to be chosen. Every moment, “Do you turn to Christ?”.
What is happiness? Any day in which I make it to the end. Solitude comes with great risks, above all, the risk of self-indulgence. Perhaps I am simply selfish and not depressed—someone did once say that to me. Yet, I also recognise that the desert is a place of battle. I have an icon of St John the Baptist that reminds me of the cost.
So what now? Wait! Grrrrr?!?!?! Not easy. Wait for Jesus. And hand it all to him. Be present to Jesus in the now and not the possible future – or the painful past. Allow my pain to connect me to Jesus on the cross. Pray!
Anyway …
I am not well; I could have built the Pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason.
Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice
a fool and his prayer book 