Author: a fool

All alone with Jesus

sharing?

“Contemplata aliis tradere” is a Latin phrase which translates into English as “to hand down to others the fruits of contemplation.”

Contemplata aliis tradere

I am not a great advocate for St Thomas. In fact, the scholastic thing is very foreign to me. But the above has always torn at my heart. In the books about anchorite spirituality and life I have been reading, there is agreement that it is about contemplation. But what then? Just sit in the warm glow of a job well done?

Last night, while driving home, I had a long think about the above. And I came to the conclusion (or should that be resolution) that it is less important what it meant to people of the past than what it means for me today. Yes, I think I have a moral duty to share those fruits of future possible contemplation. And whether that is through a blog like this, a podcast, or some other way, there is a duty to make that available to people.

So a life set apart to pray and read, to think and contemplate, and to share. Not to have the answers but to be present with people and witness to the transforming power of Jesus. Maybe the word “witness” puts it better than share? It is not a treasure I have within me but rather a Person.

Anyway …

the eternal now

During this morning’s meditation (doesn’t that sound grandiose) I was thinking about the reason for my love. And how I can love people I cannot be in the same room with! Sometimes I love people because we have a past together. We have shared experiences. Sometimes I love people because I can see a future with that person. We are walking in the same direction. Rarely it is both, and even more rare is loving people for the here and now.

Yet God loves us in the eternal now. It is not about what we bring or what we can do, he simply loves us. No matter who I was yesterday, God loves me. And no matter who I will be tomorrow, God loves me. It is eternal because it is beyond time – it is always “now”. And that eternal now is the person of Jesus. My role is simple to get into this Now – to find it in my rush and the pressure of the past and future.

Anyway, that is what I was thinking about.

the experience of now

Every experience is a paradox in that it means to be absolute, and yet is relative; in that it somehow always goes beyond itself and yet never escapes itself.

T.S. Eliot

I could not sleep so I read The Cloud of Unknowing during the night. My mind wandered while I tried to go back to sleep and I thought about how “living in the now” and “experiencing God” are very similar.

I struggle with “living in the now”. I feel the pull of yesterday and I am extremely anxious about tomorrow. So much so that I struggle to stay in the moment for any length of time. I try!

I have always liked the quote above from T.S. Eliot. There is something paradoxical about all experiences. Like the current moment, it is absolute. There is nothing else! And when the moment has passed, the next is absolute when I am in it. Augustine speaks about time in Book 11 of The Confessions – only the present has any existence. And so only the present is absolute.

Anyway, strange night and strange day ahead. I cannot concentrate to read. All I can do it sit in the moment.

gravity

This innocent idolatry
I thought it made You proud of me
To keep my tears back behind my eyes
When did I decide I’m not allowed to cry ….
I’ll always need a God who feels deeply
I need a God who knows the, the gravity

narcissistic religion

I watched The Most Hated Family in America by Louis Theroux. I like explorations of “extreme ideology”.

So The Most Hated Family is the family associated with Westboro Baptist Church led by Fred Phelps. Let’s be honest: it is a cult. The argument is simple: I am right and if you disagree with me you are wrong. I was shocked by how narcissistic it all is. And how the fear of hell is used to motivate.

There is something very attractive to being told what is right and wrong. No heavy lifting! Simply obey. The sovereignty of God was mentioned a number of times. I cannot recall the compassion of God being mentioned. I find it very sad to see what people do to other people in the name of God!

At one point one of the members asks Theroux if he believes in the bible. Can I say that question confuses me?! When I hear that question I feel like the bible is elevated to being an end in itself rather than a means to an end. The bible is not the relationship but only informs and strengthens the relationship.

So putting it simply: I do not believe in the bible (a book) but in Jesus (a person). That does not mean I do not take the bible seriously. But I cannot take it literally. (I still have both hands and both eyes!) I am aware that it is written by different people who have experienced God to the fullest. And people who have experienced their own separation from God. It is a story I enter to experience God.

I doubt Jesus would hold the signs that these people hold up. I doubt Jesus would condemn people like this church does. And I think my relationship with Jesus is much more than obeying. But, alas, I envy these people’s confidence in their message.

usefulness?

I have been reading The Handmaid’s Tale and watching the TV version. I am not sure if that is confusing me or making it a little easier.

This morning I thought of Immanuel Kant:

Kant’s formulation of humanity, the second section of the categorical imperative, states that as an end in itself, humans are required never to treat others merely as a means to an end, but always as ends in themselves.

Kanthian ethics

Part of the objectification of people is using them for their usefulness. We rank people according to how they may serve society and we reward those who are more useful and punish those who are not useful. The Handmaids are simply a more extreme example of how we trend people as a means rather than an end.

I feel my uselessness. No skills for the greater good, sickness dragging down and costing society, without purpose or end. I am very forgettable.

No answer or insight! Simply that people are much more than their usefulness.

the monster

I heard some words yesterday that I have not heard applied to me before: Major Depressive Disorder. They were not directed to me – the doctor had to ring for permission for my medication and was asked for the diagnosis, “Major Depressive Disorder”.

Is it a little like giving a name to a monster? “But you look ok”.

To be honest, I feel like a fake. All of this is my choice and I am simply lazy. I am waiting for the moment that someone sees through it all and calls me out of it. I wondered if the doctor was going to do it yesterday.

So change in medication and see. That is my life now – change and wait and see.

objectification

I am reading (and watching and listening to) The Handmaid’s Tale. The premise is intriguing – a religious state trying to cope with the modern world. I know that the author names it a feminist novel but I think it has something to say about the objectification of all people. When a person – any person of any gender, race, religion, etc – is elevated (or discriminated against) due to one aspect of their personhood, society has a serious problem. I sometimes think of celebrities we celebrate for being good at sport or music – we have elevated them to “gods” for one aspect of their personhood and then we are surprised when the rest of them does not measure up.

While reading the book I have Kierkegaard’s words floating around my head:

The levelling process is the victory of abstraction over the individual. The levelling process in modern times, corresponds, in reflection, to fate in antiquity.

We place the individual below many things: community, rules, morality, even religion. And tell people that by surrendering themselves to the idea, they become somebody. Rather than telling them that by being you, you become “you”.

I think I will enjoy the book. It is a good distraction at the moment from life – an escape.