Author: a fool

All alone with Jesus

hermit of the heart

Instead, the practice of a contemplative is to enter a sort of suspended time in which he feels alone in the presence of God. “You could say the Centering Prayer in Grand Central station at 2 p.m.,” says Brother Horton. “I wouldn’t recommend it for a beginner, but I’ve done it. It’s like breathing.”

A Hermit of the Heart

I just wanted to share the above – a number of “Anglican solitaries” mentioned. Read!

pasta

What’s your favorite thing to cook?

I do like cooking. And, if I have a choice, I like to cook pasta. Creamy sauces do not agree with my stomach – I am lactose intolerant. But every other pasta is okay with me.

So spaghetti bolognese or any gnocchi with a spicy sauce. I like cooking those because I like eating them. Actually writing this makes me hungry for some.

the luxury of silence

What do you enjoy doing most in your leisure time?

What is “leisure time”? The absolute beauty of my life is that it is filled with the luxury of silence. Not silence in the absence of noise. But silence is a personal choice to be in the presence of Jesus. So everything I do is done in the presence of Jesus – in the luxury of silence.

The solitary life – however it is defined – is about that luxury. It is the presence of Jesus.

existence?

He who created us without our help will not save us without our consent.

Augustine of Hippo

I struggle with feeling I need to justify my existence. In the process, I give power to other people – other people influence and change the way I act and the choices I make.

God, who created me, has made a choice for me to exist. That is love. No justification (of my existence) is needed!

crisis 1

I know this will be the first of many but, yes, crisis time: what on earth am I doing here? It has only taken 96 days.

I am peopled-out – I have had meetings that have overloaded me. I am trying to find silence (and prayer) between meetings rather than trying to fit the meetings into the time I have between silence (and prayer). I have had no time to sit. And when I sit, I think about the meetings or what I need to do. I am not sleeping well, maybe due to the weather. Nightmares and weird vivid dreams. I have had way too much sugar and am not eating well.

I would like a certain amount of anonymity but my ego is so big that I also would like a certain amount of fame. Or, in a less negative way, what if God has given me something to say? Experience teaches me that periods of depression are connected with deep insights. And that is happening.

So there you have it: my solitary life.

here and now

What’s your dream job?

Oh wow! This one I will answer. As Fat Boy Slim said, “Right here and right now”.

I am very happy where I am right now. I am not sure if it is a job or a calling?! But my life at the moment is pretty great. For the first time in my life, I am not waiting for a better day or waiting on another person. I am simply me right now.

I am trying to be content with “right now”. Sometimes I long for a past that I cannot make into a present; sometimes I wish for a future that is not yet nor may ever be. The reality is that I am still working on my mental health, my relationships, and my sense of “me”. But I have a context. Kierkegaard considers monasticism an “existential stance” – I guess that about says it all.