Author: a fool

All alone with Jesus

writing life

I have been thinking about life in general. Not a particular path but just life.

Someone at work (who has been especially kind, helpful, and supportive) has encouraged me to think about what I really want to do. So seeing my job as bringing me some income but not much meaning. Something I do outside of work to bring meaning. More than a hobby – what is my vocation (to use Christian terminology). Not in the sense of the religious life (which I do think I am called to) but what is my vocation beyond that. I do feel called to some form of religious life whether in a community with vows or individually without vows. Yet a life that is centred on a relationship with Jesus with time for contemplation.

Let me put it another way: Thomas Aquinas says that the natural end of contemplation is to communicate. What he means (methinks) is that the contemplative needs to carry their union with God into relationships with others. The contemplative has a divine call to draw others into the union with Jesus that is the aim of their life. So the two vocations are inseparably united: contemplation and sharing the insights.

So, this will maybe be a surprise to you, but I have always felt a deep calling to sing! Oops, that should be writing. Taking some of the things that I have “learned” (sorry, that is not the best word) and putting them down on “paper” for others to engage with. My model is Kierkegaard who lived life and put his experiences and insights into various types of writings – stories, discourses (sermons), letters. Kierkegaard did not always use the direct approach – he does not tell you what to think but his writings engage your heart and “enflame your desire for Jesus”.

In the past, I had motivation from the outside. I have to find motivation from inside now. I have to overcome my fear of being judged or misunderstood. And, yes, my fear of being laughed at and ridiculed. In other words, I have to write for myself rather than others – I have to not write to be read.

So that is where I am at!

tranquillity?

This evening I had a conversation with Magister Søren Kierkegaard, and despite the fact that he is not exactly the person with whom one finds tranquillity, it just so happened – as often happens – that his words made clear to me precisely what I have recently been thinking about.

1 September 1843

The above is a quote from the diary of an individual reflecting on meeting Kierkegaard. I find it interesting that the meeting does not bring any peace but it does bring clarity. Something that any person who has tried to read Kierkegaard can relate to.

I have been trying to read more Kierkegaard. He is a person for today. He is the antithesis of the modern obsession with objectivity and literalism. He manages to walk the line between holding on to what the faithful have always believed without making it a fetish.

Anyway …

no story without me

So I have been reading some very different books. On the one side, I have been reading about the Sisters and Brothers of the Common Life and Thomas a Kempis. On the other, I have started Philosopher of the Heart: The Restless Life of Søren Kierkegaard by Clare Carlisle.

I have been struck by how, in the 1300s and 1400s, there was a movement of laypeople reading (for the first time) scripture and spiritual writings in their own language and “converting” fully to Jesus. Often these laypeople were women. Theology and spirituality had been “Latin” rather than vernacular – the domain of clerics, academics, and religious. People simply “did” – they followed the prescribed ritual and laws of the Church. Because that is what they were told. Yet in the midst of this culture, there is a group of faithful who not only read in the vernacular but who also write in their own language about spiritual things. Yes, the church saw these are “suspect” and even as heretical. Yet this group focuses on “inwardness”, on a real connection with Jesus, and on living this to the fullest as a layperson.

Carlise’s book on Kierkegaard is a great read. It shows that the “me” is part of the story that is told. Kierkegaard’s “oddness” is part of his writing and trying to understand his writing apart from his story is impossible. Every book, every story, has the author as a character. Our scientific world tries to proclaim “objectivity” as possible – a “truth” that is independent of context and people. Maybe that is possible? I can read about a mathematical formula (which I would not) and have no personal engagement in the formula. I would, however, be wondering why I was reading about the formula if I had no engagement in it? But when it comes to Jesus? Jesus is never independent of a response by me. We like to elevate “logic” or reason as the deciding fact. But reasonable logical individuals come to different conclusions on the same question. Personal engagement, personal story, is always a part of the logic and the reason. Ignoring the storyteller means we do not understand the story!

What does all of that mean? I am not sure! But understanding that the people whom I read all have an agenda means I read differently. Yes, a priest thinks the best way to serve Jesus is to be a priest; a monk to be religious. Just because a person is not “clerical” does not mean they are not proclaiming Jesus. A hierarchical church does not mean all truth resides with the clerical class, nor only with the learned. People throughout the ages have known this! People of faith – lay and clerical – have proclaimed “inwardness”, subjectivity, when it comes to our relationship with Jesus. Yes, that needs to be a lived engagement. But following the rules does not mean a relationship.

So maybe a quote from Aelred of Rievaulx (writing to an anchorite) about gossip, which could equally be applied to reading, to finish:

… their purpose no longer being to arouse desire but to gratify it.

When God simply does not cooperate

I had the day planned out. I was going to see my doctor and then resign from work. It has been extremely stressful and I have been very anxious. I feel very much out of my depth with the job and my personal life does not help. More about me than the job into which, I think, I am growing into.

So all plans set! I was going to ring the doctor for an appointment and then write the letter when I got home. I tried but to no avail. The phone was busy at the doctor’s. Instead, I got a call from work asking if I wanted to fill a shift. I did not but I thought that it all was a pretty clear sign of where things are at!

Not only have I worn a mask most of my life but I have worn it for other people. To act and “be” who they wanted me to be. To be honest, that should be “whom I thought they wanted me to be”. To accept a role and play the part.

In a lot of ways that is how I saw my relationship with God. Accept the role given me and simply do it. The part of me which could not play the part, well, that part was sin. And I needed to repent – turn away from that part, subdue it, kill it, ignore it. So repentance became a battle against “me” fought within “me” against “me”.

Very recently I have been struck by the point that repentance, “turning”, is more meaningful when it is a “turning to Jesus”. It is a simple surrender to Jesus as my only love. Or to put it another day, to desire Jesus above all. So my part is not to fight against me but rather to surrender the “me” to Jesus. Jesus loves me with all my problems and brokenness, with all my failures and hurts. Repentance is not about removing myself from a situation but about seeing Jesus in that situation.

So back to my day! I am not going to resign. I am going to find Jesus in my job. Maybe even in the rude, abusive, and passive-aggressive customers?! I am so much more than my job, or my friends, or my relationships. I am so much more than the “sum of my parts”.

Sometimes (often?) I am glad that God simply does not cooperate with my plans. Sometimes (often?) I am glad that God is in control and sees the bigger picture.

Come Jesus

I am not sure how I missed this during Advent! I love Wilder Adkins and his sound. Waiting was our Advent theme and it spoke to me in a number of different ways. And this song would have been nice for Advent. Oh well, better late then never.

Common Worship

This morning I had a decision: I am going to move to using Common Worship: Daily Prayer exclusively. Not going to change the world, not going to move anyone else! I have used Common Worship with the Australian Lectionary. I have purchased a copy of the lectionary from the Church of England and I will use that lectionary for my divine office.

Yes, not earth-shattering! And most likely very myopic. Yet the rhyme that Common Worship establishes with a four-fold office really suits me. And I am really not sure how I would survive without it – I often say Prayer During the Day in the car at work.

So … nothing happening here, just move on!

Silent night?

So Christmas has been and is now gone.

This year I have been struck by the people who received the message of the birth of Jesus – the shepherd. Alone, in the silence, in the wilderness, they receive the message of the angel that the Saviour is born. Away from everyday business, in the darkness, they are confronted by the reality that God’s love is embodied in the Baby.

We sing about it! But until this year I never really thought about the context. The shepherds, in the desert, are a precursor for the contemplative. In the silence of the wilderness of “me”, the contemplative meets a person – the embodied love of God! Like Jacob, the contemplative does not wrestle with God until they are alone with God.

So I have been thinking about various things in my life. I would like to create a context for contemplation. A context for Jesus alone. I struggle with an imperative to share the fruits of that contemplation – is it real? I have also been reading a book about the Brethren of the Common Life and a different book on Thomas à Kempis. Is there an imperative for inwardness that I have been called to within an “unusual framework”?

Anyway, I pray you have had a blessed Nativity of Our Lord.

Follow me and …

And Jesus said to them, “Follow me and I will make you fish for people.”

Mark 1:17

I have been thinking about the order of the above verse from Mark’s gospel. Jesus calls each individual to “follow”. And those who are “followers” He gives a “job”. The order is important!

I have been thinking about vocations in general and my particular vocation in the last two months. I need to be aware that my first “vocation” is to follow Jesus. That is my calling above and beyond anything. I desire Jesus alone! How that calling works itself out in my life – my particular vocation – is a different question (which is no less important to ponder).

I think my particular vocation has changed a couple of times in my life. I think all those vocations were real and given to me by God. Yet the one central vocation remains – “Follow me”. God uses my context, especially my new context, to show me how I am to live my “desire for Jesus alone”.

I find that distinction very helpful. My particular calling changes with context and age. But the main call Jesus makes on my life is always the same – “Follow me”.

asceticism

In the Medieval German rites for enclosure of an anchorite, the anchorite is given a crucifix with the words:

Take this image of the Crucified, whose suffering and death you shall always keep in your heart.

I was reading today about some of the ascetics of medieval anchorites – not eating, not sleeping, one even threw herself into fires. Also some of the desert parents! All of these sound really weird to us. But have we gone too far the other way and completely ignored asceticism. We are physical beings and we proclaim our faith using physical means.

And then I remembered the above from the German enclosure rites. We follow the one who sacrificed Himself on the cross. Julian of Norwich has a vision of Jesus on the cross. In a Carthusian cell there hangs only a crucifix.

So … let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater (asceticism) and let’s remember whom we follow and let’s meditate on His cross.