a fool

so what?

I wanted to follow up on this morning’s post. I wonder if some of “darkness” today is actually a reflection of the weather which has been dark and cold. So today has been more a marathon than a spirit in that I have simply struggled to do anything.

I did record a podcast on my walk. So there is two things I did get done. “Know it, name it, and move on” – a little cliche but it is where I am “at”. Being open has helped. But a little balance and certainty would be nice. Life is not much fun when surviving is all you are doing. I would simply like to go to sleep but it is a little early and I do not want to be awake in the middle of the night. So bad 80s music and some reading.

I have a counselling session tomorrow via Zoom. As always I am looking forward to having another person’s input – to talk and listening. I hope you have had a pleasant day and have a very Jesus filled day tomorrow.

From The Moment

It is a tradesman. His principle is: Everyone is a thief in his trade. “It is impossible,” he says, “to be able to get through this world if one is not just like the other tradesmen, all of whom hold to the principle: Everyone is a thief in his trade.”

As far as religion is concerned-well, his religion is actually this: Everyone is a thief in his trade. He also has a religion in other respects, and in his opinion every tradesman ought to have one. “A tradesman,” says he, “should, even if he has no religion, never allow it to be noticed, because this can easily become harmful by possibly throwing suspicion on his honesty; and a tradesman should preferably have the prevailing religion in the land.” As for the latter, he accounts for that by the fact that the Jews always have a reputation for cheating more than the Christians, which he claims is by no means the case. He claims that the Christians cheat just as much as the Jews, but what harms the Jews is that they do not have the religion that prevails in the land. As for the former, the advantage that having a religion provides with regard to favoring one in cheating, he refers to what one learns from the clergy. He claims that what helps the clergy to be able to cheat more than any other social class is simply that they are so close to religion; if such a thing could be done, he would gladly pay a handsome sum to obtain ordination, because it would pay for itself splendidly.

Two or four times a year this man dresses up in his best clothes and goes to Communion. There a pastor makes his appearance, a pastor who (like those figures that jump out of a snuflbox when the spring is touched) jumps as soon as he sees “a blue banknote.” And then the holy ceremony is celebrated, from which the tradesman, or rather both of the tradesmen (both the pastor and the citizen) return home to their ordinary way of life, except that one of them (the pastor) cannot be said to return home to his ordinary way of life – after all, he had not left it, has been much more engaged as a tradesman!

And one dares to offer this to God in the name of the Sacrament of the Altar, the Communion of Christ’s body and blood! The Sacrament of the Altar! It was at the Communion table that Christ, himself consecrated from eternity to be the sacrifice, for the last time before his death was together with his disciples and consecrated them also to death, or to the possibility of death if they truly followed him. Therefore, in all its solemnity, what is said about his body and blood is so dreadfully true, this blood-covenant that has united the sacrifice with his few faithful blood- witnesses, which they surely would become.

And now the solemnity is this: to live before and after in a completely worldly way – and then a ceremony. Yet to instruct people about what the New Testament understands by the Lord’s Supper and its commitment – for good reasons the pastors guard against that. That others have been sacrificed, to live on this is the basis of their whole livelihood; their Christianity is to receive the sacrifice. To suggest to them that they themselves be sacrificed would be regarded by them as eine sonderbare und hochst unchristliche Zumuthung [a strange and highly unchristian presumption], totally in conflict with the New Testament’s sound doctrine, which they presumably would demonstrate with such colossal learning that no individual’s lifetime would suffice to study this thoroughly.
The Moment No 7, Hong 231

barnyard geese

A certain flock of geese lived together in a barnyard with high walls around it. Because the corn was good and the barnyard was secure, these geese would never take a risk. One day a philosopher goose came among them. He was a very good philosopher and every week they listened quietly and attentively to his learned discourses. ‘My fellow travellers on the way of life,’ he would say, ‘can you seriously imagine that this barnyard, with great high walls around it, is all there is to existence?

I tell you, there is another and a greater world outside, a world of which we are only dimly aware. Our forefathers knew of this outside world. For did they not stretch their wings and fly across the trackless wastes of desert and ocean, of green valley and wooded hill? But alas, here we remain in this barnyard, our wings folded and tucked into our sides, as we are content to puddle in the mud, never lifting our eyes to the heavens which should be our home.

The geese thought this was very fine lecturing. ‘How poetical,’ they thought. ‘How profoundly existential. What a flawless summary of the mystery of existence.’ Often the philosopher spoke of the advantages of flight, calling on the geese to be what they were. After all, they had wings, he pointed out. What were wings for, but to fly with? Often he reflected on the beauty and the wonder of life outside the barnyard, and the freedom of the skies.

And every week the geese were uplifted, inspired, moved by the philosopher’s message. They hung on his every word. They devoted hours, weeks, months to a thoroughgoing analysis and critical evaluation of his doctrines. They produced learned treatises on the ethical and spiritual implications of flight. All this they did. But one thing they never did. They did not fly! For the corn was good, and the barnyard was secure!
Kierkegaard as quoted by Athol Gill, The Fringes Of Freedom: Following Jesus, Living Together, Working For Justice.

So …

My day started okay. But now I have become anxious. I feel restless and more than a little useless. I am not sure if I should take some medication, go for a walk (it is very cold outside), or just try to work through it all. So, I am writing about it.

The cycle of ups and downs makes me anxious, which, in turn, makes the ups and downs more pronounced. The cycle has extended and is not as long as it once was. The thoughts that used to dominate are not there anymore replaced by other concerns that I should be thinking about but just cannot find the energy. I constantly feel on the margin of life – ready to fall off the edge at any point. I am often (read: always) embarrassed by the way I feel so for years I have hidden behind a mask until the emotions finally exploded. Awareness of how I feel has increased with time and now I am able to name it before it gets on top of me. But sometimes I would just like some balance and some certainty.

I have listened to my favourite music (classic 80s), I have watched a little TV (The Big Bang Theory), and read a little (Kierkegaard), but the feeling is still there. I have prayed and, while I know God is present in the midst of the darkness, the darkness remains. Writing this has helped and I feel a little better – naming it for what it is. I will try to post again this afternoon to update the world.

The authentic “I”

The first thing that you have to do, before you even start thinking about such a thing as contemplation, is to try to recover your basic natural unity, to reintegrate your compartmentalized being into a coordinated and simple whole and learn to live as a unified human person. This means that you have to bring back together the fragments of your distracted existence so that when you say “I,” there is really someone present to support the pronoun you have uttered.
Thomas Merton, The Inner Experience

I think it has become a cliche among some Christians to critic individualism as the primary evil of our modern world. I personally think that often this is nothing more than the “levelling” about which Kierkegaard speaks. If individualism is the evil, what is the good against which it stands? Conformity? Blind obedience? And who sets the limit of this conformity and obedience? I think often the people who war against individualism are more into creating a cult than Jesus.

Merton makes the point that before I start my journey of faith – or maybe as part of my journey of faith – there must be an “I”, a unified whole that stands alone, as an “I”, before God. Kierkegaard speaks about inwardness being the phrase “for me”. There is a major difference between “Jesus died for sinners” and “Jesus died for me, a sinner”. This inward movement, this unifying of all the parts to bring meaning to the “I”, is the fundamental movement from being a human being to being a person – a person created in the image of God.

It has taken me a very long time to get to this point. I have tried hiding in roles and in groups. Surrendering my thinking and believing to others. But in the end I stand alone before God. For faith to have real meaning in my life I need to be honest and open about the “I” that stands before God. To be an authentic “I” means ownership and responsibility.

Living it

Therefore the meditations in this book are intended to be at the same time traditional, and modern, and my own. I do not intend to divorce myself at any point from Catholic tradition. But neither do I intend to accept points of that tradition blindly, and without understanding, and without making them really my own. For it seems to me that the first responsibility of a man of faith is to make his faith really part of his own life, not by rationalizing it but by living it.
Thomas Merton, No Man is An Island.

I am often amazed by Merton’s insights. I like him as a writer but I think somewhere underneath it all there is the Spirit of God speaking to a modern age. He has many points that I think Kierkegaard would agree and many points that he would disagree. Most of all by withdrawing from the world – first into the monastery and then into the hermitage – Merton entered the world more fully. Silence made him more human and closer to his fellow travellers.

I like the above quote from the Preface to No Man is An Island. Merton lays bare the facts: he is formed by a tradition but he has made that tradition his own life, and it is from this life that he writes. Not defending a theoretical theological position but expressing the living presence of God in his life.

I like theology. I read about Christology and biblical hermeneutics. But I do not write about them. I write about my life. When these are part of the living presence of Jesus, I reflect on them and what they mean for me. But I have no desire to define what it means to be a “person” without living that reality. Faith always draws me into the everyday – into the ordinary.

So, if I may be so bold, I place myself into that tradition, not defining it or defending it, but living it.

Slow down and hang on

Thursday is the day of the week I try to slow down. Or, to put it another day, Thursday is my speed hump day. Because when I slow down, life often gets a little bumpy. So, like the sign, I know what is ahead and I can prepare for it. I can plan. But life often does not fit into my plans!

I have very vivid dreams. I remember having vivid dreams when I was in school and I know they increase with times of stress and anxiety. Often I can wake from a dream emotionally exhausted. Sometimes I wake up crying. My counselor and psychologist have said that dreaming is a way for the unconscious to work things out. It is a way for my unconscious mind to bring things to the surface.

I have noticed that my recent dreams have a common theme: my past life. The dreams are about me returning to a life that is now past. A life that was often filled with pain and suffering. A life in which I was not me – I wore the mask of a role assigned to me.

I think I have a tendency to seek safety (in a role) even if that means pain and suffering for me. And somehow I have convinced myself that I can escape the darkness of the present by returning to the pain and suffering of the past.

So today, I slow down, and I think about my current life. Not to run away from it, not to seek an escape from it. But to think about how my life is now more a reflection of me than previous ones. I need to grief previous lives. And I need to be open to the consequences of those lives. But today is the day to celebrate the weirdness and awkwardness of me – a day to celebrate that I cannot be measured and put in a box. To sing off-key and dance like Peter Garrett, to talk to people long dead, to enjoy a cup of tea, and to rejoice in Jesus as The Way, The Truth, and My Life!

so far away from me

There is, namely, an infinite chasmic difference between God and man.
Practice in Christianity, Hong 63

I have been thinking about transcendence a lot in the last couple of days. I think I have moved to opposite poles on the discussion between knowing God in imminence and God’s complete “otherness”. I was in the “you can know God by reason” camp for a long time. So the task of theology (and apologetics) was to give a reasoned argument for God (like such a thing is possible) and people would see the error of their ways and do what God wants. Or, the other side of the same argument, if we have beautiful churches and divine liturgy, people would be converted.

Experience has taught me that neither of those two positions are valid or viable. The most well argued piece of logic will not create faith. Reason is not beyond faith. And beautiful churches in themselves do not draw people but only the beauty of Him who is present. (The Absolute Paradox is part of my movement away from imminence.)

I know I have been influenced in that move by reading Kierkegaard. Not so much his theological or philosophical works. But rather his discourses, his “sermons”. I find these full of grace and love – allowing God to be God. And I will write about them in a future post.

But today a quote from Practice in Christianity. I like how Kierkegaard says it: “infinite chasmic difference”. God’s love is what “motivates” Him to move close to us. And even my desire to know Him is God reaching out – He has placed the longing for Him in my heart.

I find it a very comforting thought that God has reached out (and reaches out everyday) to me personally. It is only in God’s free choice to come near to me, in love and the Absolute Paradox, that I can know Him and have a relationship with Him. So God by nature is completely other but in love is close to me.

walk to your own beat

I go for a walk first thing in the morning. My doctor said I need to exercise every day to help with my depression and anxiety. And I started walking as a way to exercise – I was very unfit and unhealthy which did not help the bad image I have of myself. Yet now I walk not to get somewhere or to do something but simply to walk. The walking is an end in itself – a purpose. The walk is something I do, not to get fit or to get to a destination, but some time alone while my feet are moving. This time has become a place to think and to pray. Our modern world is so concerned about outcomes and value that we can sometimes miss the simple pleasure of just doing something.

Faith is about living with possibility. It is about a choice to abide in Jesus, to stay close to Him, a resolution to keep Him in my heart. It is not about an end – forgiveness or heaven – but about the here and now with Jesus. Sometimes the Christianity I have heard preached is all about the end and how to get there: how often I should read my Bible, go to Communion, or go to Confession. When I do that I forget to smell the flowers along the way – I forget to see Jesus next to me on the path. Eternal life with God is a present reality in Jesus who has won the victory over death. Eternal life is walking in love now with the sure knowledge that with God all things are possible.

I have noticed that I walk faster when I listen to faster music – I walk to the beat. So when I want to walk really fast I listen to Britney Spears. Today I listened to the first album (on cassette) I remember buying – Pink Floyd’s “Wish you were Here”. It really is one of my favourite albums. Not only is it full of memories of growing up but it has some lines that often make me smile: “oh, by the way, which one is Pink”.

The music I listen to makes my walk faster or slower. So also with the voices I listen to in my life. I struggle with a negative internal dialogue that makes me out to be a monster. When I listen to that voice my life goes downhill fast. But when I listen to other affirming voices I am filled with possibility and hope. The more I listen to the affirming voices, the less I listen to the inner negative voice. And the inner negative voice loses its power and strength over me.

My life with Jesus is about walking with Him and listening to Him. Sometimes He speaks in the most unexpected places and people. My job is to be open to Him and to listen for Him. And like Elijah I need to be prepared to hear God in the “gentle quiet whisper”.

Enjoy being me!

I woke this morning with the strong thought that it is okay to enjoy life. It is okay for me to be happy about my happy place, to enjoy the solitude in my hermitage, and to get pleasure from the things I do well. The outcome is not always as important as the journey – an activity can be enjoyable in itself. I do not have to accept every role that is given to me – I do not need to play other people’s game.

Somehow, I think, I had convinced myself that I am not allowed to be happy as me and had to pretend to enjoy the things other people enjoy. I have never really liked the “manly things” but have joined in to be part of the crowd. And I convinced myself that everything I do is judged by outcome.

I am grateful for the things that make me happy and I now realise that I do not need other people to enjoy the same things. My happy place is an end in itself!

It has taken me a long time to get here but now that I am I feel a sense of freedom. So what if I read a weird Danish poet who walked funny?! So what if I know a lot about liturgical minutia?! So what if I like theology or philosophy without wanting to be an academic?! I am allowed to enjoy being me.