Category: SolitaryLife

Day 25

I was awake well before my alarm today. I did consider sleeping in, making this a day of rest, but I did not. I enjoyed the silence for half an hour and then got up, feed the cat, prayed, and meditated. I tried to watch the live-stream of the Mass today but I was way too distracted for it to be helpful for me. So I just had breakfast instead.

I read the online advice from our government on isolating when one is a close contact. Looks like that unless a test comes back positive, I can go outside provided I wear a mask. That is good news (in one way) since my parents (who have Covid) need more medication soon – not today. I am happy to drive there and help them out. But today I am staying inside, reading.

A theme has popped up again and again in my reading: God’s love as “eros”. Ok that might sound a little strange because we are conditioned to hear that word in a negative sense. But “eros” means to desire intimacy with another. And that is, above all, the aim of the Christian life: intimacy with Jesus. God desires intimacy with me and desires me to desire intimacy with him. Wow, too much desire!

There is way of seeing the above in Kierkegaardian terms: the movement of faith. Self-giving (love) leads to a desire for intimacy (love). Abraham surrenders Isaiah to receive him back.

Anyway!?

interior penance?

1430 Jesus’ call to conversion and penance, like that of the prophets before him, does not aim first at outward works, “sackcloth and ashes,” fasting and mortification, but at the conversion of the heart, interior conversion. Without this, such penances remain sterile and false; however, interior conversion urges expression in visible signs, gestures and works of penance.

1431 Interior repentance is a radical reorientation of our whole life, a return, a conversion to God with all our heart, an end of sin, a turning away from evil, with repugnance toward the evil actions we have committed. At the same time it entails the desire and resolution to change one’s life, with hope in God’s mercy and trust in the help of his grace. This conversion of heart is accompanied by a salutary pain and sadness which the Fathers called animi cruciatus (affliction of spirit) and compunctio cordis (repentance of heart)

Catechism of the Catholic Church

There is so much of the above to think about and meditate on. I like that penitence is interior looking for an external sign. So, being Anglican, “all may, some should, none most”. The importance is the conversion of the heart – the wholehearted turning to Jesus.

I have created a PDF for the Common Worship “The Reconciliation of a Penitent” which I think should work for Anglicans. I like that the Common Worship order has an Act of Contrition which is not there in other orders. (Happy to be corrected!)

Day 24 – COVID?

Am I the only person to be excited about isolating for Covid? I do not have it – I just did a test – but I am a close contact of someone who tested positive. Isolating is like normal life for me – prayer, meditate, and read. Food is no issue as I have enough for the week – I normally shop on Sundays. Being alone does not bother me – yes, sometimes I am lonely but with Jesus.

I was preparing to go to our parish Contemplative Prayer group when I received the text saying a close contact is positive. In the car I was wondering what was ahead for me? I have paper work to do that I have been putting off for a couple of days. Maybe I should write something for the local church paper? Or write a short story about something?

The really strange thing is that now I am alone by necessity rather than choice it feels very different. Maybe it is what anchorites felt after the door to the anchorhold was shut? Physical enclosure versus enclosure by choice. Maybe that is a topic for a short story?

Anyway, many prayers for all who are Covid positive, those who are isolating by necessity, and for all those who find it hard to be alone.

Day 23

Again up before my alarm – prayer, meditation. No streamed Mass today as I had to attend to something that was urgent. A little stressful and it took me out of the anchorhold but I used my car as a cell and just enjoyed the sights.

I have been thinking about creative writing, maybe in the “indirect communication” mode favoured by the early Kierkegaard. Creative writing, story-telling, with a purpose. Writing that moves individuals to action without being obvious about it. Is there such a thing?

Bible Study tonight! So better do something productive.

Day 22

I have a week of various meetings and family events. So I am hoping to spend some time today reading. I also have the Bible Study again this week – it has been on break. I had to force myself to look at next Sunday’s reading (Luke 10:38-42) but, as is usual, I found the work and Word very rewarding.

Yesterday before Mass – and I have decided to use that term – I had a great conversation with one of the retired priests of the parish. We share a lot of background (I want to write baggage but that you be unkind to the priest). I have been thinking about a few issues, and a few issues that God has placed on my heart, and I am amazed at how God works. Some will still need to work themselves out but I can see how there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I should emphasize that the “normal clergy” of the parish are amazing. They are caring, gracious, insightful, and, above all, faithful disciples of Jesus. This time of solitude – this experiment – has been the best thing in my life. I am already grieving about leaving.

So there it is! Freedom week has started.

Oh, I am trying vegan hotdogs today. I have been eating almost exclusively vegetarian but I really wanted some hot dogs. So pray for me!!!!

Day 21 – gifts?

[I was planning this post all the way through church so sorry to anyone I ignored!]

Pursue love and strive for the spiritual gifts, and especially that you may prophesy. For those who speak in a tongue do not speak to other people but to God; for nobody understands them, since they are speaking mysteries in the Spirit. On the other hand, those who prophesy speak to other people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. Those who speak in a tongue build up themselves, but those who prophesy build up the church. Now I would like all of you to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. One who prophesies is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless someone interprets, so that the church may be built up.

1 Corinthians 14:1-5

God gives gifts to the church through individuals for the upbuilding of the people of God. I wish I could sing! Nothing like a beautiful Mass with vestments, incense, and a good choir with a cantor. But I cannot sing. In fact, I am completely tone deaf.

I am good at being alone. This morning I thought, “what if ‘being alone’ is God’s gift to me and through me to the church?”. God calls individuals to white martyrdom and just maybe that is my calling. I am not a misanthropist, as much as I like to pretend. I do like people and I miss aspects of human relationships. But I know that the moment that I am most “me” is when I am alone with Jesus.

The question becomes, “how does this gift buildup the church?”. So some connection with the people of God is necessary. But it need not be in “traditional ways”. God has blessed me with the internet – video calls, Zoom meetings, blogs, social media.

What is the point? I am not sure but maybe a calling to solitary life is something that the church has not valued. And the people of God have missed the gifts that this calling brings with it.

Maybe you all have a blessed Sonday!!!!!

Day 20

Saturday is more of a day of rest. There is no online Mass I can watch so I normally take it easy in the morning. So I have feed the cat, prayed and meditated, and then had porridge for breakfast. I am listening to a relaxation playlist on Spotify and having a cup of tea. I am super relaxed at the moment!

I had a couple of nightmares last night. I had different food yesterday and I assume that it has something to do with it. These nightmares were more like the ones I used to have in the past – extremely vivid and confusing. I am never sure if they were a dream or reality when I wake up.

As a result I was awake at 4:00am. I decided to listen to a podcast rather than get up because I am lazy! The podcast reflected upon the Road to Emmaus and I was struck by the last verse:

They said to each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he was talking to us on the road, while he was opening the scriptures to us?”

Luke 24:32

An encounter that leads to complete surrender. I have run away from my emotions most of my life – tried to hide them in logic and traditionalism. But, to be honest, the only thing I have ever wanted is to be passionately in love with Jesus. Or, in the words of Luke, for my heart to burn within me.

So there you go!

Day 19 – vocation?

So it is almost three weeks of this “experiment”. And I came here with one question, “do I have a vocation to solitary life?”. It is with the generosity of friends, and the spiritual support of many others, that I think I have an answer. People sometimes say things without knowing that they are speaking for God into an individual’s life. The last couple of days have made a number of things very clear to me concerning a vocation.

Now, I have no idea what that would look like! My dream would be to continue living by myself- praying, meditating, and reading – and volunteering in the church for the “upbuilding” of the people of God.

But today has also been a day that has revealed that maybe it will remain a dream for the time being. My father’s health has declined quickly and my mother has lamented my absence from the house. So when this experiment is over, I will return to my parent’s home and help look after them in whatever way I am needed. I know I can continue some of the habits I have established during this experiment. But I think I will miss the time alone to pray, or meditate, or read.

So there you have it – a day of revelations!

Day 18

I woke an hour before my alarm. Pretty soon I will be awake before I go to bed!

And, I admit, there was a feeling of disappointment. Why? Because every new day brings me closer to the end of this experiment. I have no desire to go back to “normal life”. “Normal life” pushes in on my solitude – I have parents that are sick etc. I really want to make this solitary life my “normal life” – leaving the house only for church and church related “stuff”.

I listened to more of the podcast from yesterday. It has some nice insights. One that struck me was “asceticism is not punitive”. “No pain, no gain” is not spiritual wisdom! Or, to put it another way, “the past does not rule the present”. And two particular thoughts came to mind.

  • The spiritual life is not about gaining forgiveness or seeking a reward. It needs to be about Jesus now. Surrendering to him in the moment, surrendering to him in the uncontrollable. Asceticism focuses me on him.
  • The spiritual life is about becoming the person whom God made. Yep, many things are not right and often the “me” falls out of the relationship. Yet, in the end, it is about moving into the “me” that Jesus has redeemed and the God loves completely. Asceticism moves me towards “me”.

On a completely different point, I think “creativity” needs to be part of the timetable: time set aside for creative “things”. That, for me, may include producing some videos or podcasts.

Anyway, have a blessed day!