Category: SolitaryLife

blogging as a spiritual discipline?

I listened to a podcast today that, among many other things, spoke about the spiritual discipline of writing. I had never really thought of it that way. I guess I make time to read and should also make time to write. I do some of that on here.

So a quote from an interesting article I read:

If we write to expose and examine our inner self, process concerns, or engage with other people’s stories, we are finding ourselves. We are connecting our deep inner processes with Christ’s work in us and in the world.

Writing as a Spiritual Discipline

… living sacrifice

So last night at Evening Prayer, the reading was from Romans 12. Every time I read that text, or hear it read, I think I should reflect on it more. Especially I was struck by verse 2 – don’t copy (as the NLT translates) the world. I think if there is a text that is foundational to my understanding of anchoritic life, it must be Romans 12:1-2:

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Romans 12:1-2

When I have time (how ironic is that!) I will look up the Greek words used for “sacrifice” and “acceptable”.

As I was reading a book about the Heart of Jesus, I was struck by a quote from Mary of the Divine Heart:

I began to understand that without the spirit of sacrifice, the love of the Heart of Jesus is merely an illusion.

Mary of the Divine Heart

Ok, right! Starting to get it, I think. And at the end of Mass today (as always), I said this prayer:

Father, we offer ourselves to you as a living sacrifice through Jesus Christ our Lord. Send us out in the power of your Spirit to live and work to your praise and glory.

APBA, 144

So love for Jesus and the spirit of sacrifice – of love that surrenders all for the other – are intimately connected. So now I need to be honest and ask: what about me? Do I live the life of sacrifice? Do I live a life of love for Jesus? Where am I failing?

So one last quote from Kierkegaard:

No, the test in which this woman is tried is: to love her Savior more than her sin.

Discourses at the Communion on Fridays

Heart of Jesus, I trust in you!

Day 17 (I think?!)

Today I was awake before my alarm. It felt terribly indulgent to just be in bed and pray.

The cat was waiting for her food when I got up. Made very weak tea! Prayer, meditation, and streamed Mass – my normal routine.

I still intent to write about freedom but I really do not have the insight right in my head yet. The theme is strong in anchorite guidance literature and it is what makes anchorite different from monastic spirituality. There is freedom to move with the flow of the Spirit to the Heart of Jesus!

I need to make a fresh pot of tea and pick a book for today.

Day 16

Another day! The routine is becoming second nature. Today it was disturbed by a trip to take my father to hospital. The drive, however, gave me time to think.

I have changed the tagline on the blog to a Kierkegaard quote: “Now, with God’s help, I shall become myself”. I thought in the car that for the first time in my life I have met “me”. And, for the first time in my life, I do not completely hate that “me”. It is a “me” that belongs to Jesus and, yes, is not to everyone’s taste. It is a “me” that can talk to people without having to be right and it can be alone with itself. So the tagline is really about how the solitude, by God’s love and mercy, has given me time and space to “become myself”. A process not yet finished but something worth working on.

I am still going to write about freedom. But that might need to be tomorrow.

Day 15

Mondays I visit my parents. They have medical appointments etc and I get a German meal. (And, of course, much love.) But today moved from a relaxing day sitting in the car reading to a day with lots of stress: I am not used to people (stress 1), my father has ongoing medical issues that have become worse (stress 2), I have ongoing issues that need to be addressed today (stress 3), and my parent’s internet (and VOIP) are not working so it needs to be fixed (stress 4).

So I got up before sunrise, prayed, and then meditated. Drove here the long way and just relaxed in the car. On the upside, I found a book in my room that I do not remember buying but that I want to read. Bonus! The internet fix was simple and I think I will get on top of my issues soon. I have to come back tomorrow to drive my dad to the hospital but that is tomorrow.

I have been thinking about “Contemplata aliis tradere” (yes, I am a show-off for quoting it in Latin but I do link to the Wikipedia and it simply means “to hand down to others the fruits of contemplation”.) First: is it part of the inner or outer rule? So, assuming the outer always serves the inner, is it a moral duty to share? Second: can the “fruits of contemplation” be shared? Or does that assume a different understanding of contemplation? Is contemplation extremely personal by its very nature?

When I returned to the anchorhold, I worked on the Bible Study for next week. It is Martha and Mary (Luke 10:38-42) which has often been used in active versus contemplative religious life. But does the text really speak about that? One of the things that solitude does for me is strip me of my baggage, especially when I read the New Testament. I guess I am not rushing through the text, finding the “meaning”, and thinking about how to bring that to someone else. Often to show how much smarter I am than the other person. Solitude confronts the question, “What is Jesus saying to me?”.

I want to write about freedom and necessity in the near future. The outer and inner rule of life.

Heart of Jesus, I trust in you!

Day 14

I changed the setup of the blog the other day – a new domain name and some other changes – and when I tried to login just before, I had forgotten everything. Grrr!? But I managed to log in (thanks, Captain Obvious!) so that I can share all my insights with you.

So today I prayed as usual and then went to church. I received Jesus in the Eucharist and I am now watching a recorded live-stream of a service. I have church again tonight so I will need to say Evening Prayer somewhere along the line. I went to the shops for food for the week.

Not sure I have any insights today. I was glad to be back home and some solitude. I really have little desire to speak with people. I enjoy it when I do, and people are very nice and insightful, but Jesus is Jesus.

There is a sense in which people are no longer something I need and so I can actually be present for them. They are not an object but a person. I can enjoy their humanity.

So silence and solitude is a nice habit to get into!

Day 13

I have woken grumpy! Prayer was hard, meditation almost impossible, and there is no live-streamed Mass I can watch this morning. I am really not sure why I am grumpy since I slept well. For the first time while here I feel like crying and just giving up.

So I am just going to plot on today – stay with the routine and keep going forward. I have a few things to do and then I can read. Fight the urge to simply collapse on the bed and sleep.

Heart of Jesus, have mercy!

Day 12: “relationships”?

[These are personal reflections!]

Yesterday I was thinking about living alone in the context of Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling and the mystical theology of Meister Eckhart. The only vow that a solitary in Anglicanism takes is that of “celibacy” – sacred singleness. I have always argued the line that it is not a rejection of relationships in general but rather a choosing of Jesus to be the only relationship.

In Fear and Trembling, SK speaks about the movements of faith – the surrender and the “picking up”. I surrender temporal time and pick up eternality. I think living alone (to some extent) has taught me that, yes, I surrender human relationships for the relationship with Jesus but also I move from seeing people as “its” (objects) to seeing people as “yous”. So, in a paradox that SK would be proud of, by being alone I see people as people!

I always feel like my solitude is a luxury and very selfish. Yet it is for the “building up of God’s Church”! In a world where everyone is an object, we need people to see people as people. I have a very long way to go, much to confess, and lots to internalise. But, as one preacher once said, “I’ll give it a crack”.

Day 11

I cannot believe it is almost two weeks. The routine is now set and very comfortable. I think with time I will adjust it to the context but it is something I can live with.

I have updated the About me? page. Why? To bring it up to date and also to sweep out some of the old. To make it present. I cannot live my life looking backwards. The past is the past, time to move on.

There is a difference between being in touch with the past and being dominated by it. Some people (me included) make a fetish from the past and want to shift their life into the 1950s. So no more of that!

I may write some more later as I am now completely out of things to say.

Day 10: the past?

Today was a busy day (so far). And here are two insights:

I cannot allow the past to define me. There are parts that describe me but they do not define me. Only the Heart of Jesus defines me. It defines me as someone who is loved and who loves.

We all make mistakes. That is what makes us human. I live in and through forgiveness.