Category: SolitaryLife

dreams?

I have vivid dreams. When I wake I am never sure if it was a dream or something that really happened. Sometimes that confusion can last for a couple of days and I have to remind myself that it was not real but a dream.

I have often wondered about the meaning of these dreams. Are they signs from the Holy Spirit? Or simply a physical reaction to chemicals in my brain?

Well, I am not the only person who has wondered about the topic! I have been reading Richard Rolle’s The Form of Living. It is less rule than a guide to anchorite ascetics. Rolle discusses dreams – “our enemy will not allow us to relax when we are asleep”. Yes, sometimes they are from God but often they are simply neurotransmitters firing in your brain.

Maybe it is living basically alone that means I have vivid dreams? Or maybe it is the way that God has made me? But I have found Rolle helpful – move on and trust Jesus.

speaking?

One of the things that I struggle with is the desire to be heard. Yet most of the time, as soon as I start speaking, I am extremely sorry for having said anything. And I end up kicking myself for speaking at all.

Here is some advice from Walter Hilton:

And to sum up: inasmuch as you believe you can bring profit to your fellow Christian – in particular, spiritual profit – you should say what you can, if he will listen; and in all other cases keep silent as much as you can, and in a short time you will not have much of a crowd to bother you. That is how it seems to me.

reading?

One of the major parts of the Medieval anchorite vocation was the space and the time to read. So reading as a vocation!? In a time when books were rare and few people could read, the anchorite went into their anchorhold to read. The books were controlled by their spiritual director. But the advice is simple: if in doubt, read.

So the following from Speculum Inclusorum via Hermits and anchorites in England, 1200–1550.

And so, if your taste for prayer or delight in meditation decreases, immediately seek out some edifying reading, the profit of which exceeds all estimation, since it offers a mirror of all vices and virtues, clearing distractions from the mind, attracting and enticing all virtues to the soul, and also sundering it from all vices, by a kind of assault on the reason, and by the urging of fear, as well as of love. …

And so, you recluses, by edifying reading of this kind, ‘Look to your vocation.’

sign of the cross

The carthusian Sign of the Cross: in making the Sign of the Cross, whether upon oneself or things, the thumb and the first two fingers are fully extended, and the remaining two fingers are bent upon the palm of the hand. The Sign of the Cross of the Carthusians, is made reverently, slowly, with majesty; their gesture describing a uniquely large cross, from forehead, to waist, with their hands brushing the outside of each shoulder, left to right shoulder. It is important to make it well.

Quies

… a large cross with the thumb and with the two fingers, from above the forehead down to the breast.

Ancrene Wisse

vow or promise?

So … I like to research stuff! I like to be led by fancy. I like to compare how different people or groups look at the same problem. So here is some of the research on Anglican solitaries I have done via official documents.

A single consecrated person or a solitary is a person who considers her or himself to be called by God to dedicate themselves by vow or promise and live a consecrated life without living in a community with a specific leader and rule. This autonomous vowed life is an authentic Christian vocation.

Guideline of the ADVISORY COUNCIL FOR ANGLICAN RELIGIOUS LIFE IN AUSTRALIA

I am struck by the reference to “vow or promise”. The “fuller document” from the Church of England does not make that distinction. I would be interested in the difference between the two and why the above felt it needed to be expanded. I assume (in my ignorance) that the above is based on an earlier version of the one below.

There have always been some who believe that they are called by God to dedicate themselves by a vow and to live as consecrated celibates, whose primary concern is to build up the body of Christ in unity and
love, though without living a community life and a common Rule. This autonomous vowed life has been recognised in the Eastern and Western Churches from earliest times as an authentic Christian vocation. Because it is not a life lived in community according to the norms of the Religious Life, it does not come within the normal scope of the Advisory Council; but since it has some similarities to the situation of Religious living under vows, bishops and others have frequently referred cases to the Council.

A Handbook of the Religious Life, The Advisory Council for Religious Communities

The above, which was published in 2021, has a much fuller understanding. It is a vow to celibacy for the upbuilding of the body of Christ. It is a peculiar relationship between the individual and their bishop (or the bishop who receives the vow). It is interesting that it does not mention a rule of life as necessary.

Anyway, just saying!

time?

I was thinking, during the night, about my experience of time. When I am running late for something, it races. When I am waiting for something, it drags. Time does not change, my experience of it does.

So I was thinking about meditation and how, at times, it can drag. And why? For me, the silence becomes overwhelming when I think of something I have to do. I want to get up and do it straight away. So I start planning in my head what I have to do, when and how I will do it. And then the process becomes one of waiting for the bell to give me the freedom to “do”.

The other side of meditation, for me, is the moment of quiet and peace. It is for these moments that I persist. It is the now that continues into eternity. A moment with Jesus. These moments are often short but my experience of them is very different. And this experience of Jesus, of the now in eternity, is why I persist. I do not seek freedom to “do” but simply want to remain – I want to be with Jesus.

Anyway, an uphill day ahead. Already struggling with life and just more of the same to heap on top.

holy monday?

It is Holy Monday and I should have something “holy” to say. But I do not! Whether it is the weather, the season, or simply MDD, I am struggling to function. The total of my engagement in life is sitting and looking out the window. Last year’s Holy Week was a disaster for me with a “resurrection” on Easter Sunday. I remember spending Palm Sunday sitting on the beach crying uncontrollably. Yet I had a deep insight during the sermon on Easter Day about my life. I am not expecting an insight. And the situation is very different this year.

I have been thinking about “change”. There are many talking heads on the TV (which I rarely watch) that proclaim our need for change on this or that issue and how our government needs to facilitate that change. Many groups in the church proclaim a need for change or things will be dire. But real change only happens when the “I” changes. I cannot expect others to change to make things better. Worst of all, I cannot expect others to change to make my life better. I must change! And live as a witness to that change. Jesus brings real change. He brings change to my life and I must live that change.

So there is my not-so-holy insight for today. I will return to looking out the window!