emotional clutter

Bloganuary writing prompt
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
View all responses

Yes, there is much physical clutter in my life. (I am reordering The Anchorage and so I have everything out on the floor in the parlor, ie the front room.)

But I think emotional clutter is what makes my life more difficult. Don’t get me wrong: I like my emotions! I like feeling things and it is what makes me “me”. Yet I have emotional rubbish that really should be surrendered to the bin.

Like? Attachment to ways of doing things that simply do not work anymore. Or to ways of being that are no longer me, or were never me. And, of course, emotional attachment to people who are no longer part of my life.

I do not want to become a robot. However, I want to focus my emotional energy on people and situations that are relevant to my current life. And I need to let go of people who have decided to no longer be a part of my life.

If only some emotions were like an ice cream wrapper that goes in the bin after use.

… go worth

I had to speak to someone today about worldly affairs. Like anchorites of old, I am paying my own way. The whole conversation stressed me because it is so much outside of my experience of daily life. And I reflect on the following:

Go forth upon thy journey from this world, O Christian soul.
Go in the name of God the Father Almighty who created thee,
In the name of Jesus Christ, his Son, who suffered for thee,
In the name of the Holy Ghost who strengthened thee.
In communion with the blessed saints and accompanied by angels and archangels and all the armies of the Heavenly Host,
May thy portion this day be peace. And thy dwelling in the heavenly Jerusalem. Amen.

I have been thinking about enclosure rites (as one does). These, in the broader English tradition, normally include the Office of the Dead and a Requiem after the enclosure of the individual. In a somewhat strange twist, the enclosed individual gets to watch their own funeral through the squint. I wonder what people would say about me? Also, the anchorite normally dug their own grave, by hand, in their cell. But, overall, undoable in a modern context!

But what about the above? It is part of APBA – Commendations of the Dying. I used it recently and understand it more in an existentialist sense: enclosure as death to the world. The solitary life is a place in the grey area – in relation to the church (often without definition) and to the world (separate from it).

So I have been listening to Elgar’s version and am moved.

… the passionate

There is only one proof for the truth of Xnty and it is quite rightly the passionate proof that results when the anxiety of sin and the troubled conscience compel a person to cross the thin line that sep[arates] despairing madness―and Xnty. There lies Xnty.

Kierkegaard’s Journals and Notebooks

How do I feel about Jesus? The first question in Baptism (and the renewal) is, Do you turn to Jesus?. Do I? What does that mean in my context?

… more vocation thoughts

So more thoughts on the idea of vocation.

I found (and, yes, I am very excited) an online copy of the 1976 Anglican Religious Communities: a directory of Principles and practice. The excursion on the solitary life makes the following point:

The existence of solitaries living geographically apart from society helps those living in society to realize the solitary dimension of their lives. In this way the solitary is a sign to the world, as well as to the Church. By virtue of its closeness to the material environment, the solitary life can help our present age to recover a more balanced relationship to the material world.

Directory of Religious Life, 1976

My thought: I am super far away from the ideal.

vocation?

Life has changed and I am wondering (again) about my vocation.

So this morning some thoughts:

First, I have to learn to not lose me in my vocation. I am not my vocation. My vocation unfolds the me that God loves (wills). A vocation unfolds from the inside out.

Second: My vocation is this place. To be anchored here. My vocation is to be here. To be enclosed. I do not prepare for a vocation outside. This place is my vocation.

Third: To over-control that is a mistake. The form would become the end.

Fourth: And wait! In uncertainty!

Psalm 62

The following is Psalm 62 from Common Worship: Daily Prayer.

Refrain:    Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul.


1    On God alone my soul in stillness waits;  ♦
from him comes my salvation.
2    He alone is my rock and my salvation,  ♦
my stronghold, so that I shall never be shaken.
3    How long will all of you assail me to destroy me,  ♦
as you would a tottering wall or a leaning fence?
4    They plot only to thrust me down from my place of honour;
lies are their chief delight;  ♦
they bless with their mouth, but in their heart they curse.
5    Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul;  ♦
for in him is my hope.
6    He alone is my rock and my salvation,  ♦
my stronghold, so that I shall not be shaken. [R]
7    In God is my strength and my glory;  ♦
God is my strong rock; in him is my refuge.
8    Put your trust in him always, my people;  ♦
pour out your hearts before him, for God is our refuge.
9    The peoples are but a breath,
the whole human race a deceit;  ♦
on the scales they are altogether lighter than air.
10  Put no trust in oppression; in robbery take no empty pride;  ♦
though wealth increase, set not your heart upon it.
11  God spoke once, and twice have I heard the same,  ♦
that power belongs to God.
12  Steadfast love belongs to you, O Lord,  ♦
for you repay everyone according to their deeds.

Refrain:    Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul.

O God, teach us to seek security,
not in money or theft,
not in human ambition or malice,
not in our own ability or power,
but in you, the only God,
our rock and our salvation.

words …

Some words from the Glossary:

Contemplative

A Religious whose life is concentrated on prayer inside the monastery or convent rather than on social work or ministry outside the house. Some communities were founded with the specific intention of leading a contemplative lifestyle together. Others may have a single member or small group living such a vocation within a larger community oriented to outside work.

Enclosed

This term is applied to Religious who stay within a particular convent or monastery – the ‘enclosure’ – to pursue more effectively a life of prayer. They would usually only leave the enclosure for medical treatment or other exceptional reasons. This rule is intended to help the enclosed Religious be more easily protected from the distractions and attentions of the outside world.

to continue?

Every year I have the same question: renew this blog or not?

I have not posted a lot in the past year and, from a completely self-centered egotistical point of view, this blog has had relatively small views. Is there something to be said for continuing?

Maybe the answer needs to come from within and not from the outside: do I see a point to continue? Yes, I do! I like writing even if I do it sporadically. I journal in my private life but do not feel comfrotable moving that into the public sphere. So this blog fills an in-between space? I think I have little to say academically – a past dream that has been lost in the darkness of the past. I worry about criticism and all the negative space of the blogosphere. My journal allows me to put into words on a page what is going on inside and it helps me to manage that space. So this blog is the next step: putting my life into words for the outside world.

The solitary life, by its existentialist stance and choice, is a proclamation of a paradox – life is more than productivity. It is also a life of waiting. Maybe these are themes I need to explore this year? I would also like to think aloud about the contemplative life within Anglicanism – is it possible or desirable?

So you have me for another year!

feelings?

For most of my life, I have heard people say, “Feelings cannot be trusted”. And I must have said it a few times myself. I assume that feelings are subjective and therefore not trustworthy. But “reason” (whatever that may be) can be trusted because it is objective.

Why? Why can I not trust my feelings? Why can I not trust the subjective? In fact, why would I trust the objective? And is there such a thing as objective? Is reason always objective?

Why is only that trustworthy which is outside of me?

Maybe Boethius is to blame? Most likely it is me.