borrowed time …

I was thinking this morning that my depression this year has moved with the liturgical seasons. I really struggled during Lent. I had a very major depressive episode on Holy Saturday. But it all lifted on Easter Sunday and this Easter season has been very fruitful for me.

Today is Pentecost – the celebration of the Advocate that reminds me of Jesus. The above song woke me this morning. Somehow by Providence. Yes, regret and shame. But today is my day of salvation – today is Jesus’ day!!!! Love is still the same as it was when the Holy Spirit descended on the apostles all gathered in one place.

Come Holy Spirit! May you have a blessed celebration of Pentecost and may the Holy Spirit always strengthen you in faith towards Jesus.

loved by Jesus

I saw this on Instagram and instantly thought of the Merton quote: “who am I? I am loved by Christ”.

The above do not define me unless I allow them to define me. And they all call me to turn to Jesus and simply receive His love. I always have a choice to wear the mask that I am given by others or simply to be me.

I follow a number of “depression” themed Instagram pages. They are often extremely helpful. They echo what my counsellor says to me. But it is good to be reminded everyday. Of course, what my counsellor adds is Jesus. And I am thankful to have a faithful Christian who gives me guidance.

the desert within

I have been reading a book for Benedictine Oblates. It has an article on “Solitude” that I think is very good.

The article makes the point that God has often dealt His people through the desert. Jesus went into the desert after His baptism. And, of course, John the Baptist lived in the desert.

Yet the most interesting point I think the article makes is that the “true desert” (what a terrible term) is within. That point inside of each one of us where we confront the Transcendent. I want to explore that more. (And, maybe, next time share some quotes from the article.)

I have also been reading a book on Julian of Norwich that I just cannot put down.

person?

I have been thinking about the concept of levelling. I guess Merton would call it alienation. I like to think of it in terms of people becoming objects and the impersonalness of the modern world. But Kierkegaard calls it “levelling”: the victory of the abstract over the individual.

For a politician I am a vote, for a supermarket I am a consumer, for (some) churches I am a “bum on a seat”. For none of these I am an individual with individual experiences, hurts, or desires. I am simply something that can serve their purposes. I sometimes think that the only virtue left in the modern age is “conformity”.

The modern issue, the modern sin, is turning people into objects – something that can be measured and defined. But there is something more about each one of us. I am more than the sum of my parts. I can be measured but I cannot be defined. Between the measuring and the defining is choice.

I have seen in the last three month how impersonal the world can be. How I am just a number without feelings, pain, or needs. And I have experienced that in churches too. (Not my current church!) The first step – my choice – is to see all people as people. Love calls me to choice the good of the other without asking their worthiness. Love calls me to see the other as an individual person who is “so much more”.

what balance looks like for me

I have some real balance at the moment. I still feel “down” at times but I have learned to live with it and not let it stop me. I am still anxious but have some a “bigger view” that allows me to put it in a greater context. Most of that is thanks to a magnificent counsellor who has spent lots of time on me and has encouraged me. And a counsellor who has pointed me beyond myself to Jesus!!!

So what does balance look like for me?

I am by nature quiet. I am not a great talker and like to observe. In fact, I like to sit and read in silence! In the past, with anxiety and depression, I tried to act like I was the “life of the party”. And often looked like an idiot, which, of course, made me more anxious and then more depressed. I have accepted (and that is the real insight) who I am and that sometimes I like to sit and not talk. I like silence and alone time. I try not to be rude – I say “try” as I think I am often very rude. I need other people. But I would rather an intense conversation for a few minutes than a long conversation about nothing much.

I am weird and intense. I think the two go together. My interests are outside the norm. In the past I have tried to come back to the mainline. But, to be honest, the things that interest “normal people” simply do not get me excited. I can keep a conversation going about a particular sport or politics but that is not the conversation I seek. I like ideas, strange people, and intense conversations about Jesus and theology. I like talking about books on philosophy or theology. I will quote with a reference in a general conversation and I know that is really weird.

I have changed a lot over the last three months. And I am not sure where the next three will bring me! But the insights I have gained are a gift from God. And my personality is a gift from God. I might be quiet, weird, and intense but that also brings gifts that I can use for other people. God will reveal where things are going in His time. At the moment I am called to be open to Him and to live now for Jesus.

was SK a charismatic?

My Vicar shared this article with me (and I have been meaning to comment on it). Now remember, I am no theologian or philosopher – only an amateur enthusiast :

5 REASONS CHARISMATIC CHURCHES ARE GROWING (AND ATTRACTIONAL CHURCHES ARE PAST PEAK)

Read the whole article with an open mind. I think it makes some important points. However, as always, I think that most of the points are made by Kierkegaard some 200 years ago. Not as directly as the article but I think that a Kierkegaardian approach (what a horrible term) to Christianity (as against Christendom) would reach the same conclusions.

So… let me just put a few things out there. I think that the modern “charismatic movement” is a form of pietism which, in turn, is a protestant form of Catholic mysticism, which is a form of Desert Spirituality. I think that two points from the article are worth considering:

PEOPLE WANT TRANSFORMATION, NOT INFORMATION

Wow, could there possibly be a more Kierkegaardian idea. Kierkegaardian scholars would call it the “leap into faith” – passion for uncertainty that changes me. The article goes on to speak about “passion” over “polish” – yes, and yes!

TRANSCENDENT IS CONNECTING MORE THAN IMMANENT RIGHT NOW

Now here is my real point. I think that transcendence is the modern way to experience God. But transcendence assumes a “gap”. Whatever we call that “gap”, the individual needs to become aware of it first. Modern people seem to relate better to the completely “Other”.

So, here is a question that I have often considered: if Søren Kierkegaard were around today, would he be a “charismatic”? Maybe not the hands-in-the-air type but a person who values an experience of God over information about God?

Read the whole article and comment below!

no-thing

I have been thinking about this after reading an article on apophatic theology. Now stick with me because this will get weird!

Negative theology sees God in negative terms – what God is not. Of course, by implication it establishes God’s nature but only by exclusion. So it moves towards nothingness – that is, God is a no-thing.

So I was thinking that the above is not a bad place to start any discussion on spirituality. I need to become a no-thing, that is, a person. In the modern context that is the most counter-cultural thing we can do. Any discussion on theology should begin with what it means to be a person. And any spiritual discipline should aim at becoming fully a no-thing, a person before God.

Sorry if that is really weird and out-there. Maybe I have been watching too much X-Files?

anchorite insights …

While exploring my new favourite topic, Julian of Norwich, I found this:

Living within four walls: A guide for modern day anchorites

The article uses the anchorite tradition to give some insights for living during a pandemic. I think most of the suggestions are really helpful for anyone who is seeking more solitude and simplicity in their life. So I am going to share them:

  • Set a schedule
  • Keep the cow outside
  • Plenty of windows
  • Focus on your five senses
  • Fasting
  • Notice nature
  • Read
  • [Take a patron saint]
  • Hobbies of service

I think setting a schedule is a very good starting point to seeking more solitude. Include times of prayer and times of physical activity. I think an important part is setting time for reading. Not seeing reading as a luxury but as part of the daily routine. I also like the idea of having windows that look out at the world. I have a lovely window in my room and I look out at the garden when I work and when I pray.

Fasting is not a good idea for me – I have enough trouble eating without setting limits. But being aware of your physical health, doing things to look after yourself physically, is a good idea. I include time for my mental health.

I would love a cat but that is not an option in my current living arrangements. But I hope in the future.

So read the article and use the insights in establish more solitude in your life.

called by name

I have been thinking a lot about episode 1 of season 1 of The Chosen, “I Have Called You By Name”. I was struck by Mary Magdalene – abandoned by her religion and given up on herself. I really like the scene where she stands at the cliff and looks over the edge. I can really identify with her struggle.

Sometimes, for me, living with depression is like standing on the edge. Not that I want to jump but there is a feeling of being “unloveable”. I have very much felt like I am beyond being loved. I am so broken, so beyond redemption, that no person can ever really love me. They may say that they do but really they are just pretending. And when you have been abandoned by people it is very hard to trust people again.

I remember so many sermons about “anxiety” and “Give it to the Lord” that were really unhelpful. I have been told by a person, in a church, that all anxiety and depression is demon possession. I have often wondered if the person thought I should not attend. Religious people, with the best of intensions, give advice that is often very unhelpful. There are exceptions – and thank God for those – but there are also many who simply do not understand and do not identify with the struggle and the pain.

I have learned that depression is part of me. There is no “fix”. I have to live with it.

The part of The Chosen that really got to me this time was Jesus. At the end He embraces Mary – the person on whom everyone had given up and who had given up on herself. He calls her by name – an intimate act of love. No one – including me – is ever beyond God’s love. No person is unworthy of Jesus’ love – no person is unworthy of hope.

I am extremely thankful for the hope that so many people of faith have given me. Yet it is not them who give me hope. It is Jesus – His living presence with me now and always. His presence in the darkness – on the edge of the cliff. And it is the intimacy of the relationship that brings that hope. He has called me by name and I can call His name.

I know what is coming in The Chosen, that great line by Mary. But this week I am thinking about how a person who was a nobody is a somebody in Jesus. How I am loved!!!