Category: Personal

for you!

So go on, I beg you, with all speed. Look forward, not backward. See what you still lack, not what you have already; for that is the quickest way of getting and keeping humility. Your whole life now must be one of longing, if you are to achieve perfection. And this longing must be in the depths of your will, put there by God, with your con­sent. But a word of warning: he is a jealous lover, and will brook no rival; he will not work in your will if he has not sole charge; he does not ask for help, he asks for you.

Cloud of Unknowning

me?

Bill Goldberg

One of the issues I have struggled with most of my life is “who is this ‘me’?”. I tried (for many years) to take clues from culture, religion, and family. That just caused depression and anxiety. Here is one example:

The person on the right is Bill Goldberg – sometime NFL player, sometime WCW and WWE wrestler. I used to have a toy of him on my desk. It was the running joke that I have the complete opposite of me on my desk to inspire me – he is everything I am not. And I think I really brought into that view. I have always wanted to change “me” and this was the model that was placed before me. And, of course, a model I could never live up to!

It is very hard to escape the cultural and religious models forced on us from the outside. “This is what a man is!” I looked for models that I could live with but they are still “outside” of me. All of which is an escape from personal responsibility into the “crowd”. (Yes, an SK reference!) I am never ever going to look like Bill Goldberg – and neither do I really want to. I am always going to be awkward and a little (!!) on the weird side of life. I often really feel that weirdness – not in a good sense. Is that wrong? No! But I have to stop listening to the voices from outside that call it wrong. I have a choice to listen.

things

I wrote this a couple of days ago. I have not had the energy to publish – I have struggled to get out of bed for the last two days. Now I have a headache (again) and feel completely overwhelmed! I have done the things I need to for today but I have not said the Office. But I wanted to publish something today.

I was reflecting on this past week and what it has meant for me.

Sunday I preached. I would very much like to do more, but that is beyond my control. Somehow it is part of my vocation. How that will work out I am not sure?! In one sense it is the “future” for me which is not clear at the moment.

But there is always the past. I need to get control in the sense that I need to get it straight in my head and heart. I have had some battles to fight, which I hope are over, and so I can get back to the heartbreak. The past has this incredible pull on my life.

I feel overwhelmed. I have gone back a year. I feel stuck.

duty and relationship

Duty becomes duty by being referred to God, but in the duty itself I do not enter into relation to God.

Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling (Cambridge Texts in the History of Philosophy), 59

I have been reading about the goings-on of Anglicanism. Yes, it is all about sex.

All the discussion has shown a fundamental problem with most modern theology: orthopraxy has replaced orthodoxy. To use SK’s language, we talk about duty while ignoring relationship. Some of the rhetoric suggests that I need to get to a place where God can love me. Religion has been transformed into a moral code.

so?!

So today has been a plodding start. I did say Morning Prayer. I have had breakfast and a cup or two of tea. But apart from that, I have done very little. I watched some videos on TikTok about religious life in Anglicanism. It must be a TikTok thing but all the videos are about nuns – men are not smart enough to use social media. If you are interested, follow me @anchoriteexperiment. I have had an issue with my eyes that makes reading a little more complicated than usual. Yes, I should simply wear my glasses but, you know, where are they?!

I woke up this morning thinking about the Rule of St Augustine, especially the opening sentence:

Before all else, dear brothers, love God and then your neighbor, because these are the chief commandments given to us.

Augustine wrote for a group of men (who were unable to use social media!) so forgive the opening. My thoughts, this morning, were wondering if the sentence should not say, “love Jesus and then your neighbour”. I have been called a “Jesus only Christian” before and I am never sure what that means. I often feel that we hide behind a coverall term, God, to escape the responsibility of facing that God in the life and death of Jesus. Jesus says, “Follow ME”, and not “Follow God”.

Anyway …

can I just disappear?

I cannot get going today. I am tired and emotionally exhausted. Can I just disappear?

I have prayed and had a very strong cup of tea. I miss the silence and solitude. I tried reading but my mind is all over the place. The Bible Study is tomorrow but I cannot focus.

So I am surfing the net looking for nice pictures of monasteries and Carthusian cells. And listening to really bad 80s music. Maybe I go and sit outside for a little?!