Just some of the lyrics that really struck me this morning:
In the darkness we were waiting
Without hope, without light
‘Til from Heaven You came running
There was mercy in Your eyes
… In His freedom I am free
For the love of Jesus Christ
Who has resurrected me.
After writing the last post I was thinking about life and this quote from The Sopranos came to mind. Tony is maybe not the greatest moral example. Yet the series does show a person trying to be “real” in an extraordinary context. And it is seriously funny in parts! Yes, there is no cure for life.
All of that reminded me of another quote that is often ascribed to Kierkegaard but more likely to be a slightly reworded version of a quote by Jacobus Johannes Leeuw:
Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.
To live in the moment with Jesus – that is as much as I can hope for now. Maybe that sounds a little defeatist? Allow life to unfold, allow God to love, and simply to experience that reality. Allow myself to experience Jesus in the present. Surrender control, surrender myself, and “abide” in Jesus.
I have been feeling really jittery. I have tried all the normal things but nothing is working. I guess it is just life that makes me like this. My anxiety has increased over the last couple of days and I am wondering if I am on the way down in my darkness cycle.
I remember hearing a sermon on “anxiety” once. The preacher defined anxiety has having a “big fear” and offered an answer – “put it all on the Lord”. I often think back on that sermon. My experience of anxiety has been anything but a “big fear”. Fear is focused on an object. My experience of anxiety is more of an unfocused foreboding – something bad is always just around the corner. And then the overthinking starts – the spiral down. “What will I do?”, “Who can help me?”, “What will other people think?” I know (with my head) that it is just my anxiety speaking but often my heart does not follow. There is a debate happening inside me and it is really draining. It takes all my energy just to do the normal things in my day without any room for doing extra. And then I feel guilty for not doing extra and the spiral moved down.
My psychologist says that anxiety left untreated will develop into depression. I often wonder if the darkness brings my anxiety or my anxiety my darkness. Either way I know they are life-partners!
I have found this Instagram page very helpful. It often says the things that I am feeling or just brings words of encouragement. I know I have to learn to be honest with people I trust (which is a very small group). And to reach out when I am not well – when I see the signs. I simply do not want to be a burden to anyone.
So I have a couple of things to do today – and a few that I have already done. I am putting my faith in the rhyme that I have established in my life to carry me to tomorrow. And then start again!
I pray you have a Jesus filled day!
This week’s text for our online Bible Study is John 15:1-8, “I am the vine”. So here is the text:
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower. He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit. You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing. Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.
John 15:1-8
… another anxiety attack.
I had a dream last night that made me quite anxious. It is not unusual for me. There are lots of things going on in my head at the moment and I am trying to put them in some order. Change is on the way but I am not sure I am ready for it.
I am trying to hide in some creative work. I am doing some planning and writing for the Bible Study. Also some research on social media platforms for a report I am trying to write. But sometimes I feel like Indiana Jones – barely holding on before life catches up.
Hope you have a Jesus-filled day!
The more time I spent alone – in solitary – the harder I find it to understand people. I think Napoleon is on-point. Maybe it is just the way my mind works? Or maybe I read too much? Or maybe I am simply weird?
Is it just me or do you find it sometimes hard to get people’s meaning?
This morning the reading at Morning Prayer was from John’s gospel. I was struck by Jesus’ attitude – something this is most unlike some modern people and most unlike what most modern people think of Jesus.
Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”
John 8:10-11
“Neither do I condemn you.” Love people where they are at not where you want them to be. And let God sort everything out in the end. My relationship with Jesus expresses itself in obedience but obedience is not my relationship with Jesus.
I pray you have a Jesus-filled Sunday.
I have not written about my depression as much in the last couple of weeks. I have felt more balanced. Easter was a horror show for me this year – I was so much in the darkness I could hardly get out of bed. But since then I have found some balance, some purpose, and some direction. The pressure I place on myself has lessened and I am more kind with myself. I am so thankful for the people who have stood by me when I was so sick.
So today is Saturday – the day of preparation. I am working on the Bible Study for Tuesday night and on tomorrow’s service slides and video. It is pretty much what I do most Saturdays now. I am very happy doing it, drinking tea, and listening to 80s music. I find that often the Bible Study is more about me than the people who come along. I try to listen to God, to listen with the heart, and hear what He is saying to me. I do not think I am particularly insightful, nor smart, and I often think I am simply stating the obvious. But I know I have changed by doing the online studies!
I wish I had something insightful to say but that is about it. I hope I can go for a walk this afternoon but it is very cold and wet. And, to be honest, I am a little sick of walking. But I know it is good for me and it improves my mood and my overall health. I am not going to gym!!! So walking is about the only other thing I can do without involving other people.
Hope you have a blessed day!
I have been looking for this quote for a couple of days. I knew it was in one of the seven volumes of journals. So today I looked at my physical copy and found it:
Like climbing down from a mountain or a pillar and starting all over again to behave as a human being – I need solitude for the true fulfillment which I seek – that of being ordinary.
A Search for Solitude, 27
I have always liked that Merton joins two things that are important to me: solitude and being ordinary. And I completely identify with Merton on this point. I need some space to be me, nothing special or extraordinary just simply me. In a world full of noise where everyone is trying to outdo everyone else, in which everyone is trying to be extraordinary, it is nice to just be plain simple me. And for that I need solitude – space and time without noise. Not the absence of sound but rather the detachment from this world. To transcend myself by being the person I was made to be. Nothing more, nothing less.
Every now and then someone will stand up in the media or in the church and rehash the old science vs faith debate. I often feel like the discussion is more about power than truth – the power to sway people into a certain direction of blind obedience. These discussions will use terminology like “truth” and “reason” and simply assume everyone is on the same page. Also, of course, these discussions will often assume that faith is a matter of epistemology, of knowledge without proof, rather than of a life lived before God.
So today I was thinking about the discussion (since it recently popped up in church) and what people understand by “truth”. Yes, all “truth” comes from God but followers of Jesus see truth as a Person and not an item of knowledge.
A book that I read a couple of years ago: The End of Apologetics: Christian Witness in a Postmodern Context by Myron Bradley Penner, came to mind. (BTW: I am an Amazon Associate so if you buy via the link, I will get some money to buy more books.) The book is an exceptional read – well discussed and reasoned. It points to some of the fundamental issues in relation to rationally defending the Christian faith. To be honest, while the author does a great job defining the problem, his solution (for me) is not as convincing.
So in his defining the problem, he writes:
In the modern philosophical paradigm, then, reason forms what I will call the “objective-universal-neutral complex” (OUNCE).
Myron Bradley Penner. The End of Apologetics (p. 32).
I like the acronym OUNCE. This modern philosophical paradigm wants “truth” to stay at arm’s length. Truth, when encountered, does not change me – it is altogether outside of me and completely independent of me. And it is that independence of me that makes it the truth. But is the truth really truth when it is not truth for me?
I want to explore this further. And I want to explore the connection that modern Christianity makes between objective truth and God, often making the two equivalent. It is not the truth about Jesus that brings me into a relationship with Him but the encounter and experience of the very Person of Jesus. Fundamentally I think there is a difference between knowing something to be true and experiencing that truth in my life. Maybe this quote from T.S. Eliot puts it best:
Every experience is a paradox in that it means to be absolute, and yet is relative; in that it somehow always goes beyond itself and yet never escapes itself.
I want to embrace the paradox and not run away from it. Because it is in the paradox that I meet Jesus.
this solitary life 